Pulling Back the Curtain on Herbert Armstrong

For the longest time - it was very difficult me, for any length of time, to listen to the voice of Herbert Armstrong.

Every time that I would attempt to hear his voice, it was an immediate flash back to the days of my youth. Hearing him speak, in a loud baritone yell, sitting on the cold grey floor or chair of the metal Tabernacle building at one of the church-owned Festival sites. Never knowing what he was saying at first - but knowing it was important. And serious.

So important was Herbert Armstrong in my childhood - because of the fact that he was very nearly deified in our family. We didn't quite get there - but if you have ever looked at the adulation and idolatry of the PCG group of Herbert Armstrong - you can get an idea. His importance and influence in my family was first and high, second to God. The ministers were his representative.We were slaves to the madness.

After many years of de-programming by experts, including an individual that had life experience in a similiar situation, I can now look at and hear the man in the third person - not as the young person in awe of the white-haired man with the powerful Wizard of Oz voice. The spell is broken. The chains have been cut. The shackles have fallen. And Jesus is the one who made it possible.

Before, when I would hear him for the short bursts that I could handle, I would have immediate dreams or flashbacks of those experiences. I would literally be able to smell, and taste, and feel the environment. Whether I saw him on the big screen of a transmission at the Feast - or saw him live - it was the same vividness and the same reactions in my head, engraved and etched with a soldering iron tipped with an iron blade, searing in deep precision.

I am taking on the task of hearing and transcripting sermons from the 50s and the 60s, and adding my own commentary (see the link upper right). I was able to get through the whole thing - and did not have to shut it off to de-process and de-brief more than twice. And here's what I have learned.

Looking past the lens of former idolatry and near-worship of my past, he was a short-memoried, not-the-best speaker of a man who actually, beyond expert speaking skills, was not that special. He knew what to say and made sense in some areas behind the pulpit - but turned around and did the exact opposite in real life. In other areas, he was absolutely wrong and speaking from his own mind. His business knowledge was very good - but that's what it was. Business skill. He was as worldly-minded as you could get. I can honestly say that I was absolutely not impressed. The fog of the brainwashing has lifted. I could see the man without the cloud of idolatry and deception.

I could do this only through prayer and through de-programming. I can feel comfortable now hearing him, not as some superbeing in a human suit - but knowing what the truth is. That he was a master at business with plenty of knowledge on how to manipulate and condition the mind due to his advertising training.

I wish to say to anyone who is in recovery from the effects of Armstrongism the following advice. And I mean this from the very depth of my experience.

Do not try to go this alone. It takes time and effort, and much prayer, to detoxify yourself from the horrid influences of cult mentality. The effects of the brainwashing that you must be reliant on others for your salvation takes time, and patience. You must reprogram your wiring. It is probably far, far deeper than you could ever imagine it was. I was surprised at first with how intense and how deep - and how much of my life that was impacted in nearly every way - from who I am, to my personality, to every part of me that needed to be reworked and corrected. I am by no means done with this - I've still got a tremendous ways to go, and I admit it fully. But I cannot do it alone. And anyone who thinks they can do it alone is underestimating the power of the spell cast by the deception of Herbert Armstrong.

And being able to actually listen to Herbert Armstrong without the conditioning of cult mentality is a huge breakthrough. I know he was just a man. A little man - with a huge pocketbook and seemingly endless greed as a chicago real estate businessman who found a product, and sold it without concern or regard to what happens to those who buy it - and to those who did buy it - you were Herbert's financial slave for life. And he had all the treasures you'd ever need to see to prove it.

Yes, it's true - The truth shall set you free.

The Alternative Thinking of the Children of the Cults

The effects of alternative thinking on the lives of young people has been one of the most extensive influences on my life as part of an end-time doomsday cult. One instance that came to mind this morning finally linked to the intensive research into my past to figure out exactly where I came from, fully what I was a part of, as steps of healing in my ongoing journey of de-programming and cult recovery.

There was a season in my young life as a second and third grader that, for whatever reason, I had to convince my classmates that I had supernatural abilities that I did not have. For many of the classmates, it simply did not work. But for one, it did work. It validated my "powers" and my "abilities".

One might consider this perfectly normal for the imagination of a small child in his first years of primary school. Imagine the kid pretending to be Superman, jumping off a small rock and "flying" all the way across the back yard. Or the small child on his tricycle, imagining he's zooming in and out of asteroids on a "star trek" through the neighborhood's church parking lot. Those are the imaginations at work - healthy and part of a brain's natural development.

In my environment, I was taught "not" to engage in "pretend" - or unrealistic imaginations on paper, like coloring the sky purple or the grass red. "pretending" was wrong - as wrong as reading fiction, or listening to different varieties of music. Adherance to realism was paramount. Pretending was to engage in a lie. And lying, after all, was a sin. My family took Armstrongism literally, and seriously.

Enter in the belief system that I had as a child, directly from all of my information sources. I was told I was in training to be God. I was told I would get my own planet. I was told this would happen in just a few years (I didn't quite grasp the fact that my parents were the ones to be converted into a spirtual superpower, and I had to remain on Earth because I was not baptized - this happened a little bit later.) Of course, I was also fully indoctrinated with the whole mother-load of Armstrongism dogma, including the Bible Story imagery from Basil Wolverton. Those who were a part of the cult, or take the time to study into it, can get a good grasp of what that contained.

The difference between the young child pretending on the street - and what my episode in elementary school was - is a matter of belief.

The young child playing superman understood the difference between "pretending" to be Superman, and the thought of actually becoming Superman. It was play, and pretend-time. Once the young child was done "pretending", the mind switched to the next event - peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and a glass of milk before running out the door for a full afternoon of more playtime (in the summertime, of course).

The young me believed what he was told. He was going to be God. He was going to have powers and his own planet. He was excited that in a few years, he was going to be one of the pioneers of the Wonderful World Tomorrow. And in the next year or two, our going home from the Feast would be the last physical Feast we would ever experience. For me, this was not pretend. This was real life. It was going to happen. Herbert W. Armstrong said so. And what he said was reality.

I thought of myself as superior to the other children - a higher standard. I thought of myself as different and set apart. I had to set the example. I had to be as perfect as I could possibly be, because I did not want to make my parents, or God, mad at me.

I had spent decades wondering exactly why I acted in the way I did back in the second and the third grade. I attributed everything to an overactive imagination - a normal part of growing up. However, when you have an intentionally stifled imagination and a grounding from pretending - and then actual imagination turned into an alternative "reality" - then you've got a very messed up and abnormal psyche and way of developing as a child. Add on to that weekly meetings of fiction turned into an alternative reality - and again - you're just feeding the brain delusions.

This is one reason how the Church is responsible for the psychological harm and abuse of the children of the Church - from Herbert Armstrong to the ministry to the regular people to their children - weaving a wave of deception from the top down with pure goals of self-centered greed. The methods that Armstrongism used to infiltrate it's members with alternative facts - blatant misuse of mind conditioning and cult psychology to achieve an agenda - were criminal.

I know that those in Armstrongism will turn right around and say that that's what "the World" always does, with teaching about Santa and the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy. These things that we were taught were not fairy tale stories that you grew out of. These thngs that we were taught were not metaphors such as puppets and Sesame Street that teach a lesson and are understood as people grew older and could understand the concepts as an adult. These were beliefs that stuck with you and were reinforced week after week, and year after year. No child grows up to believe Santa is real, or that the Easter Bunny will hop around when you are 30. Those in Armstrongism built a whole religion on one man's fairy tale of becoming Gods and rulers in a universal real estate development program and ruling the whole agri-centric world based on a wholly racist and wholly physical interpretation of the plan of God - where people to this day still believe it, and mess up their children's lives to this day in the process.

Not only do I talk about this for my personal healing - but to show others how whacked and how deep of a con-job the whole mess was, and what it did to the psyche, the imagination, the centers of logic and reasoning, and the faith and belief of God himself. It is incumbent on those who were and have been a part of the entire scam to realize the depth of the deepness of the cancer of Armstrongism, that metastasized itself to delusional psychosis in the worldviews of so many.

"Why Did Miracles happen in Such a Worldly Environment? Did That Spiritually Endorse that Church?"

I often come across many stories about miracles that happened back in the Church of God.

I know of a few personal recollections when I was in the Worldwide Church of God of people who do remember incidents that happened with people in the church. And I believe them.

There was the person who, she reports, "had an angel that looked like her dead ex-husband who opened the Apartment outer gate for her" when she could not get in.

There was the lady who was able to get to the Feast in a car that was missing a vital component that should have rendered the car un-driveable.

I knew these people enough to know they would not make up such stories. Most of the people in the Church in the laity were decent, hard-working, common folks - who were doing what they thought in their heart was the right thing to do.

When I hear of miracles for people that happened in the Church, I absolutely believe it. Because I believe that God looks at a person's heart, and mind - and not the physical organization that they are a part of.

The upper executive management of the Armstrong Business would use such miracles as evidence that their organization had the backing of God. Armstrong would do the same kind of analysis - putting organization ahead of individual. I believe God has a different approach.

In every instance of Jesus' interaction with people when He walked the Earth, he dealt with them individually. The thief on the Cross. The woman caught in an adulterous relationship. Mary Magdalene. He is involved in a personal relationship - not as a corporate chief executive.

When I needed clothes when I was a child - they came. When I prayed to be able to go to SEP - that prayer was answered. I ended up going to SEP three times - once as a camper, twice as a worker. It wasn't that God was behind the organization. God is behind us individually, and personally. God looks at our hearts - not at our involvement with a business that was masquerading as a church.

Every one of us has the freedom of choice in what we do. Every one of us has our belief in what we think is right to the best of our abilities. Yet one still may ask "Why"? "Why would God HELP me go to a 'feast' that was based on lies and the faulty imagination of a salesman? Wouldn't he rather want me to stay home?'

I think the answer has everything to do with what is best for us personally. Maybe a person needed to have a lift in life emotionally. Life living in the Church was hard. You paid your taxes, then the church took twenty to thirty percent of your income. You had trouble raising your family. Perhaps you had a "non-converted" spouse. Financial troubles were rampant, because your income just wasn't there. You couldn't have "worldly" friends deeply, and you had to give up the "fun" activities on Saturdays. Not to mention health issues. What I am saying is: Individually speaking - maybe the benefits of being there were better for the soul then if one wasn't there. Maybe there was a need for a 'boost' of positive faith - in Jesus, not the corporation. We can't always understand the reasons why things happen. But if there's one thing I have learned, is that Jesus does everything based on his love for His Children and what is best for them in the long-term (eternally), then what they are involved with in the short term (a cult).

Jesus said that He will never leave us, nor forsake us. He's been with His people throughout all their life experiences. Though many of us were born into the Church, others made the decision to join the Church, regardless of the fact of what the Church really was - it does not negate the fact that Jesus said He will never leave us, nor forsake us. That uncompromising fact - the love of Jesus that knows no boundaries - is all the explanation a person needs as to the miracles that happen - not only in the lives of members of the Worldwide Church of God - but the miracles that have happened with all peoples of all beliefs and of all classes and abilities.

God is a God who is concerned with every one of His children, and He wants them all to reach the highest goal that they can possibly reach. He'll do everything possible in His will and in his immeasurable love - including miracles - no matter where they are in life. That's the kind of God we serve. He's with us in the storms, as well as in the sunshine - personally, for whatever is personally for our ultimate good in the grand scheme of what we do not know or understand - yet.

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When You Don't Know What To Say, Just Say Jesus

"But this is the ONLY message about Jesus I ever gave!"

No, I'm not talking about the song by 7eventh Time Down. (Like I expect you to know who they are! Those reading this blog have a better chance of hearing Home Home on A Range sung by Spock.

What prompted this post was this: There's an individual who dreamed about the lyrics in this song, but it was an altogether different song then the one mentioned above. But for writers, bloggers, and anybody else - it is the manifestation of Christian virtue. He is, after all, the focus of the Christian life.

This got me to thinking about an issue that is in the Churches of God with certain people who really are trying their hardest to play the role of a minister. Many times, you'll find that their versions of sermons are rambling, out-of context, 'thousand-points-of-what?' messages that no one could possibly remember, or care about. Other times, it's been reported to be the same message, over and over, and over again.

I remember messages growing up in my past about every conceivable topic that could be approached by an - ahem - "speaker". (Many had no concept of how to speak - or even how far to stay away from the Mic.)  From the obscure origin of a translated word - to an ancient method of horrible imagery - the things you would hear would make you wonder where you even were. Was this Church? What kind of place is this? Why would I want to know that? How does this help my walk of life?

You would almost think that the speaker really didn't have any idea what they were going to say until the night before, and then thought, "Oh Bean Dip! (Euphemisms were banned. So we came up with some alternatives.) I'm on the schedule tomorrow. Well I'll Be a Green Bean, Gotta whip out a message." (Beans were always safe in the COG's - as long as they were Vegetarian.) You know, those of you in the COG's, that this has happened. I can tell you even as a song leader, that that has happened - when you completely forgot (or avoided) that you had the song service the next day until the minister gave you a call and asked if you had the songs, or in rare mercy gave an idea of what the message was about so you could pick appropriate songs to go with the subject. Then, it's a Friday Night of thumbing through the Purple Hymnal, pulling out that Song Leader's Card and getting it done as fast as possible - sometimes without much thought, (sadly), because you've gotta get it done and call the Pianist if you need to so they can practice, (there's a way to tick them off - forget to do that ONCE.)  and call the Pastor back before bed time. Oh yeah - and then you've got to grab an Opener and a Closer the next day if they haven't been previously scheduled by a very authoritative pastor.

With messages, though, it's a different story. You've got to take your time to avoid bombing. You've got to make sure the sermonette's done in ten minutes (Go over, you might never stand behind the lectern again for a message). You've got to make sure you have your three points. You've got to make sure it's consistent with the doctrinal positions of the Church. You've got to make sure it's interesting, and in line with the procedures taught in Club. But often times, when people never knew what to say, they'd work overtime to talk about ANYTHING BUT Jesus. Even if it's about Why Nebuchadnezzar did not wear Purple or something like that. (I'm joking. We all know Nebuchadnezzar really never wore Blue.)

What was it about Jesus that was so offensive that would cause people to want to walk out and leave? That's happened. Almost as if Jesus was some sort of magneto repulsion device. What was it about Jesus that made people wince, or say it's getting too "churchy"? What was with the hatred of talking about Jesus? Now I'm not saying it didn't happen now and then. But it certainly wasn't the focus. Most put him out to pasture. And it certainly was not something that would be consistently spoken about. Most of the time, it was something along the lines of the historical meaning of the name Jehosaphat and three reasons why it's relevant to a prophetic event or why people named Jerry should study the book of Kings because it's so close to their name (kidding again. The only one who might do that is that guy in Edmond.) or something along those lines. Yes, that is a bad analogy. But it gets the point across.

Subject after subject was anything but. And these days, in the splinter churches, it's members have said it is either the same tiring repeated, hashed out snoozer subjects without substance - child rearing, marriage, obedience, proverbs, the two positions, - submission (bad choice to state that topic after the former one!) - you know them all.

Here's my guess of what the problem might contain.

When you start to get into the emphasis of Jesus as a Church, in the COG's, then you start to become aware of many scriptures that have either been "difficult", or have been placed on the back-burner, or at the very least - can cause one to begin to have doctrinal questions. plus, you'll have to try to find the scriptures underneath all those highlighted markings!  Reconciliation to God - sounds too protestant. Jesus disarming the powers and principalities at his first coming - sounds, again too protestant. It's safe to put Jesus where he's always been in the Churches of God - as a simple newsboy messenger who could not get in the way of the Father's punishment of 6,000 years separation from God for Adam's sin - gave a gospel that was so weak that it got shut down within five decades, to resurge with HWA's massive worldwide amazing work that everyone and their brother took note of - changing history - (sarcasm.exe),then get shut down not even ten years after HWA died. Talk about dud firecrackers. Phhhoooosh.

So why not. When you - as a speaker - don't know what to say - when you're up next to give a message - and you're not sure what to speak about, and tired of the same old messages - why not give Jesus a try? There's not exactly a lack of material out there. And they are certain to perk their ears at your message.

It's got to be at LEAST easier to remember than twenty two topics in an hour message from every corner of the Bible in a message that was supposed to be about Proverbs. And hey. The Pastor might just be interested enough to talk to you immediately after you step off the podium.

And maybe for the first time, you can make an accurate judgement as if your church can truly hold the title of being considered "Christian". 

Oh, and by the way - I think I just got myself marked for this suggestion ;) Fine with me. Matthew, Luke, and John would be too - of that I am positive about.


 

Did Herbert Armstrong really believe that he was who he said he was?

What can we deduce through the decades of History about HWA?

When reading through the co-worker letters, I try to see things (hard as this is, to do, believe me), from Herbert's (what he's letting us know) point of view. I try very hard to look at these letters without bias - to try to see where he's coming from.

Yes, this is hard to do as I have already looked through these letters. I've come to many conclusions. But I am left with a very perplexing, very confusing question that I have yet to resolve in my head. This is going to be an article about my thoughts about all of that - and it may end up to be more rambling than anything else.

When I read through the process that Herbert Armstrong claims led him to become what he became - he makes it seem - and very convincingly, if you allow it to be - that what happened that led him from what he was to what he became - that he had nothing to do with.

He claims a lot of coincidences, situations that he claims were out of his control. He cites what he says are many examples of miraculous interventions to prove his divine purpose and calling. A dime here, seventy-five dollars there. People coming from nowhere to fill a need. Miraculous events he claims he has no control over. One reading this might get the impression he is certainly, and absolutely, being led by a power greater than himself that he claims to be God.

Of course, during this process, he claims surrender and conversion to God, and that through that conversion and surrender to God, Herbert was able to be used for his purpose to develop this "great work" that only he was specially prepared to do through past business experience. Was this the case?

Those of us who have intensely studied his life, in an attempt to figure out the details of why we got ensnared into the hell that we got ensnared in - know and understand details of his life that emphatically proves that he had not surrendered his entire life to God. Herbert himself has admitted that a "powerful evil", nearly impossible to overcome, had been with him through his entire life as he built up the Worldwide Church of God. Herbert himself was prone to intense outbursts of carnal rage and anger over material shortcomings. Herbert used every carnal and worldly tactic in the book to extort financial gain out of the most oppressed and burdened people for his own building project - making the deal and giving the green light, and then putting the burden on the poor with an "It's your fault if it fails and you're going to the lake of fire" mantra, over and over and over again. And those of us who have studied are painfully aware of the allegations of abuse against his daughter - which members of his own family have not come to his defense against. And yet, he claims it was God who was working everything "in his favor".

So the one question is: Did he really believe he was who he said he was? Or was he inwardly laughing at all of us "dumb sheep" for falling for the con-man bait and switch of the century?

I have wondered if he had simply just rationalized everything and convinced himself that he is who he said that he was. After all, everyone seemed to agree with him. People began calling him an apostle. People were saying his message was of God all over the place. He had many supporters. Was he using the people to rationalize that he was who he said he was - and then playing the David Card when his true nature surfaced time and time again?

He often says everything "just seemed to work out" for him at the last minute, proving God was always behind it. Yet, we all know he neglects to say the forceful sales methods of abuse against his congregation he knew would always work every time he pulled out the big guns - the threats of eternal damnation for those who never came through for him.

When he found a method of financial gain that worked, he would double down on it, and employ it harder, and harder, and harder each and every time. First, he'd say there was an emergency. And then, he never stopped saying it. Then, crisis. Then, a double crisis. Then, a SUPREME crisis. Then, the worst crisis that ever has been faced by the Work. And finally, in the early 1960s all the way up to the mid 1970s, he would pull out the big guns of the threat of eternal damnation for slackers, for lukewarm givers - for those who were not 100 percent behind Herbert's desire for the completion of his headquarters. He admitted he would beg, plead - ask people to give until it hurts without any shame to those in his church so he wouldn't have to do it to his co-workers. And even then, he found very underhanded ways around even that.

He had full knowledge of what he was doing. He knew full well the psychological impacts of Petra, the Place of Safety, and 1975 - and what it would do to increase the needed funds to meet the goals that were required to get the loans for the completion of the Master Plan. In fact, all while that was going on, buildings were going up like crazy. The Natatorium, the Dining Hall, Dorms - this building, that building - all while articles were going out over and over again about preparing for the end of the world.

Articles by Dale Schurter about preparing for famine. Articles telling teenagers to get ready to be changed in just a matter of years. Sermons prepping people for the Place of Safety. Whole articles about Petra - that GTA and a few others went to as a psychological tool to evoke deep feelings. All of this was a coordinated and deliberate effort to increase funds. And evidence through writings by GTA himself says that they themselves knew nothing was ever going to happen. When 1972 came and went, it was time to enact damage control, with half-hearted we didn't mean it and maybe overdid it recalls of everything the members had gone through - instead of a full walk-back, blaming the members that they were not ready.

And instead of walking it all back - they went to say that something momentous DID happen that day on January 7, 1972 - they got Readers Digest Ads. That's the definition of Damage Control. At the same time, the scandals of GTA and debauchery were coming out full throttle - and the wickedness that was reigning inside the Church through the entirety of The Big Push during the 1960s was being revealed to all.

Everything about that time frame was absolutely and certainly shrouded in a well-coordinated deception. Yet, we still wonder - did it turn this way over time, or did it start like this in the beginning, and were we all had from the start?

Looking at who Herbert Armstrong got on his team is pretty telling. Herman Hoeh had already been convinced of British Israelism - and was a very powerful thinker and organizer about such a movement before he even came on board. In fact, the only thing he wasn't really convinced of was the festivals. Then came the McNair clan from Arkansas. And then, Rod Meredith and Bob Seelig came on board. It was quite a team. And all of them were fully aware of the "Ambassador Extravagance", especially  when Armstrong's De Soto and his son's other expensive car were seen and called no lack of drama among the first students. Rod Meredith himself admitted to this in no uncertain terms in an early GN article.

It is also worth noting that there never really was any sort of emergency. These "emergency claims" were spoken without cessation for over 40 years. In these emergencies the cash built up to such amazing results that not only were the radio stations easily purchased - but soon, every sort of fine treasure to a Gulfstream Jet to dinnerware in the tens of thousands were purchased. And the ministers became the highest paid in the world, according to the Business Manager, as he said it to Herbert Armstrong.

The Loans for the Auditorium were long term, and ended somewhere around the middle 1990s. Astoundingly - well, not really, this was the exact coincidental time that the Big Changes, with the force and fury of a cannon, and the empathy of a rabid porcupine, took place - after denials and denials from the Headquarters that it was ever going to happen. I can recall back in 1991 and 1992 reading magazines that were hinting towards big changes in the Church that the Church was constantly denying would ever happen - only to see it happen in four years with a "If you don't like it, go to Global" message from Tkach. I saw the deception first hand - that same deception that went on during times past. The deception through the 40s to the 70s to get as much money as possible, while proclaiming it was actually the mission of the members to give and back them up - without grumbling, or complaining, conditioned entirely and effectively to completely being finger-whipped into absolute obedience.

So the question remains. Did Herbert Armstrong really believe that he was who he said he was?

I believe he deluded himself, using rationalization, to believe that he was an apostle. I believe he deluded himself, by listening to the words of others, that he was the most important man in the world. After all, he was funding hundreds of people who were relying on his paycheck for their living. If Herbert fell, they all fell. Am I suggesting that the top ministers may have actually enabled and enhanced the delusion on Herbert for their own selfish benefit? You be the judge. No one was going to possibly let, in my opinion, Herbert believe for a second he wasn't what he thought he was - because then all the top evangelists and hundreds of the best paid ministers would be out of a job. Perhaps the key to their jobs was enhancing Herbert's delusion of himself so they all could be guaranteed a posh and luxury life - all at the expense of the little people.

Herbert Armstrong started a work based on personal ambition, success, importance, and prosperity. Once he got a team on board, and this work took off - no one was going to let it collapse. Regardless of the cost. You can easily see this spirit of competition and assurance to Herbert that he was who he says he was all through the 50s and 60s. He had a financial formula that worked. And everyone knew it. And everyone kept it going.

Even making the poor people believe they were about to go to Petra, or lose their salvation for letting up the income.

Yes, I do believe that Herbert Armstrong, later in life, really believed that he was who he said he was. But I believe this was a powerful delusion, only accepted after being convinced and enabled to believe such by selfish ministers who wanted their own stake of the fortune, who would reinforce the delusion to pad their own pockets in luxury as long as they could, until they could not anymore - when there was no way to carry the load of debt and burden.

And that's when we turn the corner to 1995, and begin to see all the roaches come out of the woodwork once the empire fell.

Respect. It Makes or Breaks... Well, Everything.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. 





The words echo in my head from one of the great vocalists of our time, who recently passed into the Great Beyond, leaving a legacy of incredible melodies that will certainly live on for many generations to come. "Find out what it means to me", as the lyrics go.

A very valid question. What does respect mean to me? And to us?

When I was growing up, the notion that was impressed upon me was very simple: Respect was achieved, not by how one earned respect, but upon the position that the person was in. Respect, thus, was an entitlement granted upon one's rank or level in any given area - regardless of the person's abilities, accomplishments - or lack thereof.

Not that this isn't necessarily an inappropriate way of thinking in it's proper light. The military, law enforcement, medical professionals, fire safety, judicial members - they all deserve respect due to who they are and what they do. We know they have earned respect because it takes a certain amount of training, in every one of these professions, to do what they have to do to either save lives, or protect lives. When we arrive at the doctor's office, we give them our respect by our trust. When we are pulled over by a law enforcement officer for speeding, we give them our respect by our behavior. When something is found to be on fire, we give the firefighters our respect by clearing out, and letting them do their job. We know that they know what they are doing. That's entitled respect, based on what we know.

Then there's earned respect.

An employee brand new on the job has no entitlement of respect. It takes years to earn it - and five minutes to lose it. A new acquaintance does not gain the respect of their new individual right off the bat. That, too, takes years to build - and can take one wrong thing to end it. Your favorite food - you could love it for ten years. Then, buy one bad box, and never, ever buy it again.

It would seem that entitled respect is only broken by losing the ability to perform the task that granted the respect. It would also seem that earned respect is like a Jenga tower. It can be built high and strong, but one false move, and it can all fall like a ton of bricks. Or, if built poorly, can collapse before it ever really gets going at all.

It would seem to me, then, that there are two types of respect. There's professional respect, and then there's personal respect.

Yet, then, there is the public servant whose very profession demands personal respect, due to the intimate closeness that this individual has with those they claim to serve. This would include psychologists, ministers, clergy, social workers, and the like. One might think then, that that particular type of person would know that their professional respect is only based on how much personal respect they have built.

In the environment that I grew up in, the very reversed happened. I'm talking about the ministry of the Church that I grew up in. Those who had the profession of Minister - under the employment of an organization - who claimed the requirement of professional respect - but neglected the necessity of the requirement of personal respect that their very profession requires.

Their basis was simple: Their calling was God-Ordained, through the laying-on-of-hands of the one human being who was believed to be called by Jesus Christ himself, and only under the authority of Jesus Christ. Therefore, their personal respect never had the chance to be earned. It only had to be professionally obtained. Any "personal" respect was simply coerced, or forced, because it was not allowed the time or the ability to be genuine.

Often, within five years or so, this person would be shuffled off to another congregation to be replaced by another individual, who mandated the same professional respect. It seems that any attempt to build "personal" respect was deliberately and intentionally cut off by this system. "Familiarity breeds contempt", it was often said. Therefore, the only thing that we needed to know, as members who were "under" the authority by office of this individual, was that they spoke under the authority of God, and to respect "the office", and not necessarily the downfalls of "the person", because "God will take care of it, it is not the responsibility of the members to try to."

This professional, demanded respect - without the build-up of personal respect - required uncompromising obedience - as if we were in a military operation, not a church. It led us to become mindless drones - under the threat of professional expulsion from the church itself. It was not balanced, and it was not a normal relationship you would expect in a church, which by it's very nature requires an abundance of personal respect. The very structure of the church's government eliminated any build-up of personal respect. The minister's professional respect - and unrelenting accompanying business authority - would far overrule any personal respect built up anyway.

The emotional imbalance of this cannot be underestimated, when you take what is supposed to be a church comprised and built upon the standards of professional respect of knowledge and personal respect of person - and end up with something like I grew up in which had neither. The church I grew up in was a dysfunctional, chaotic, imbalanced den of debauchery with tyrants at the helm, demanding, but not earning, any form of respect - either professionally, or personally - due to the overbearing, dictatorial regime of taskmasters who were pursuing their own wicked agendas at the very top. I feel bad for the few who DID try to earn personal respect within the ranks, but were quickly squelched by those who took advantage of the "weakness" of the good to earn a higher place with the wicked. Where there's a den of sin, there's always those who try to push their selfish agendas to gain higher goals of selfishness.

Respect was never mutually shared, either. Respect is never a one-way, bottom up street, because of the necessity of personal respect given in those who hold professional respect. Those who hold professional respect always should be able to return personal respect to those they serve. In the environment I grew up in, it was purely a one-way street: My way, or the Highway. You obey, or you get out. Pay, pray, or hit the hay.

When those who have an office of professional respect fail to understand the requirement of giving personal respect to those they serve - whether it's a public servant or a family member - the result is always terrible. It's those who do not understand the two-way street of respect - both professionally, and personally - who end up the abusers, the dictators, the tyrants, the merciless.

Respect is either entitled by profession, or earned personally - but professional respect always gives personal respect to those they serve - no matter what the profession, or the task, profit, or non-profit. Any organization that does not understand this principle - especially churches and ministries - cannot be trusted in any way to be what they claim to be, or who they claim they are.

And So It Arrives That Another Fall Festival Appears on the Calender in COG-Land.

Tomorrow, September 23, 2018, the annual fall festival known throughout the Armstrong Churches of God as the Feast of Tabernacles, begins tomorrow evening at sunset.

Back in those days, it was on a night like tonight that I literally would not be able to sleep - until I remembered very distinctly a phrase that my mother told me that worked every time. She said "If you go to sleep, the next thing you know it will be morning and we'll be ready to go."

It worked every time. The next thing I knew, I would be awake - and with all the energy of a growing child (oh, to remember those days - these days, it takes time to get about half of that burst!) I'd be up and excited - ready to begin the journey to wherever we were going where "the Lord has placed his name".

There were many reasons why this was an exciting time for me. This was our only vacation of the year - the rest of the year was a trench of an experience which was enshrouded in an endless, dull routine completely smothered in the chains of poverty. We took our tenth of our yearly earnings (which for us, was a big amount - probably scrapings to others) to live in a way we never were able to the rest of the year.

This wasn't why it was important to me as I got older into my teens. What was important to me was that I knew it was commanded for us, I knew God placed His name there, I knew that it marked my identity, and I knew I was specially called to go there to enjoy this "foretaste" of the Millennium that any time now was going to be foreshadowed by the world war that I had to be protected from.  In my younger childhood, it was a big deal because of fun. In my teen years, it was a big deal spiritually.

In the many festival sites that I went to - The Lake of The Ozarks, Niagara Falls, Mt. Pocono, Wisconsin Dells, and Dayton (Yes, I was consistently jealous of those most fortunate to go to the Well-To-Do sites such as Pensacola, St. Petersburg, and Hawaii) - I soaked in the many traditions that I had developed throughout the vacation.

It had become a yearly ritual as a family to all go out to the car just after Atonement to take the thick envelope with the yellow offering envelopes, the Headquarters-sent letter, and the Parking Stickers - and take out the parking sticker and gently apply it to the (then metal) bumper of the family vehicle. I'd beam with great pride about that sticker. It meant we were set apart, and the only time of the year we'd know when we were passing other set-aparts. It gave one a mighty good feeling, I'll tell you that.

The tradition of family packing was just as important to me. Mother would be very methodical about this - creating a detailed packing list, ensuring that nothing was missed - especially the Bibles and the notebooks.

Of course, depending on where we were going, and how long, would dictate the other vacation traditions - all of which I categorized neatly in my mind. Mostly, in my earliest days, they would focus on the smells of the places I visited on the way. That would be the smell of fresh roasted coffee in the morning at restaurants, the smell of clean hotels, and the smell of fresh clean morning crisp air.

We would constantly take photos of the same things on the way. The first car with a parking sticker we'd pass (as long as it wasn't ministerial), the interstate highway signs, a billboard of a hotel - and particular landmarks we'd pass each time we went there.

But the event I looked forward to the most was when we were driving to Church opening night, getting lost in a large line of Feast Cars all heading to the same location, rounding the bend, and seeing the glorious sight of the holy tabernacle or arena in view, with the parking attendants and their hats and cones leading people exactly where they were to park.

Getting out of the car, grabbing the Bibles and notebooks, hearing the command to "Stay close" because of all the people - and walking up to the building made the excitement even more palpable in my youthful mind. On entering the building, hearing the typical loud - but much more energetic hum-drum, mixed with the smell of perfumes and colognes - yes, it was a sensory overload. Simply so much to take in.

Would this be the last time before we'd all end up in this fantastic world tomorrow? What will we hear from God's One and Only Chosen End-Time Elijah and Apostle of The Work? Will I fall asleep when they cut the lights and I hear the voice of Art Gilmore and Orchestra Songs with the latest film? Will I watch with great interest the choreography of scripture-based note taking as the heads rise and fall? Will I be fascinated with the movement of the ushers as they walked in unison during Announcements? Will I hear the same voice of the same Festival Coordinator as I did last year? So many questions!

When an experience such as this is all that you know when growing up, it certainly etches deeply on your brain as far as it's intensity and vividness goes. There are portions, even today - many decades later - that are as clear to me as if they happened yesterday. I pen these memories with the mindset not of sadness and wistfulness of memory - but of the mindset of an experience that shaped a lot of who I am today.

As I reflect on my childhood in the Worldwide Church of God with our version of Church Disney, I think back on the times as a solace and break of life - not as the fantasy it was in an adult way of logic - but as a rare opportunity as an adult to break down and remember Armstrongism in a first-hand experience, thanks to the power of memory, and use that experience combined with the knowledge that I have now about Armstrongism - for those who need to know there are others who have gone through it too, and are recovering, and who probably thought the same way about the same things that I did. After all, that's what we are here to do - to use our experiences, and memories, in every circumstance - as much as we are able to do so in our life situations - to help others.

And if we can't help, just to give a nod of "I've been there, too."







 

First Day of Autumn

I'll admit it.

Fall is not my favorite season.

Granted, the colors are absolutely beautiful when the dark green colors of summer transform into the brilliance of golds, reds, and yellows that bathe the world in sunset colors all day long. Yes, the temperature cools down from the blazing infernos of summer - with the hot steering wheels, the stifling humidity, and those pesky, six-legged, stinger-ridden miniature fighter jets. Fall is a welcome relief from those endless days of heat, punctuated only by the occasional torrent of rain and thunder - which bring the rare cooling breeze of refreshment.

Fall is the foreshadowing season of my least favorite season - winter. Fall basically is saying "everything is about to die." And that's why I do not like fall.

I can try to look on the bright side of the whole picture. Thanksgiving is in the fall, with the Macy's parade - a tradition I always watch every year, since I was a young child. I'm more likely to walk and exercise more in the cooler temperatures. And there's pumpkin. I just cannot get past the fact that right beyond the autumnal equinox is a world of grey, white, cold, ice, snow, and wind - and the worst of all, an hour of less daylight, where the sun goes down just before five o' clock in the afternoon.

This is going to be work - to reduce the negativity of the occasion and look at it with some redemption of positivity. And so, I will force myself, right here, and right now, to come up with five things that I love about fall. And if you care to comment and do the same, I'd welcome it as a motivator.

Okay, so let's start with the first thing that I am thinking hard to love about fall.

Still thinking.

And.... Still thinking.

Ah. I believe I have something. That cool, clean, feeling first thing in the morning. Yes, that is one thing I love about fall.

Second thing. Oh yes, here's one. New Episodes of amazing programming! No more re-runs of Jeopardy, and Wheel of Fortune - and evening comedies. And, The Voice. There's something to look forward to.

Third thing. And, I'm stuck.

Well, I came up with two. I'm sure if I really tried hard, I could come up with a few more. I promise you when my favorite season, Spring, comes in a little more than six months from now, after what's certain to be snow, sleet, freezing rain, ice, wind, and rain - I'll have a lot to say about that.

Enough to make up for the three things I couldn't come up with, to make it all even.

For those who do love the fall, enjoy it. Rake up a big pile of leaves and jump on in them like you did when you were seven. And try not to think about that winter just down the road.

Unless you live in California, If this is you, in the tradition of the late Johnny Carson of decades past:

May a large cicada leave it's broken shell by your cornucopia on Thanksgiving. 

Herbert Armstrong's Words on Child Rearing: Only suitable For Printing on Charmin.

Herb's Perfect Child. 

The psychologists who reject the revealed Word of God cannot rightly teach you how to rear children. They do not know what the human mind is. Unless they have the Holy Spirit — and I know of no such psychologists — they are incompetent to teach authoritatively on child rearing.*(HWA)

In my previous posts, I have brought up a portion of mindfulness that involves the balance required between the emotional mind and the logical mind, and balancing out the two extremes to find a good meeting ground for common sense.This led me to thinking about the aspect of childhood behavior.

I'm not a pediatrician or a child expert at all. So this is not going to be anything scientific or rooted in any kind of great knowledge. It's just going to be an opinion piece. So take that with a grain of whatever it's worth. Nothing I say here is substantiated by any expert or personal skill. They're the thoughts of a writer who is simply expressing thoughts, which can be discussed in the comments section below.

Herbert Armstrong, the leader of the Worldwide Church of God, the cult that I grew up in and thought was the one true church - would often say in his letters about children:

" In earliest childhood, Satan — the invisible spirit ruler of this world — begins to work on the child's mind. He broadcasts not in words, sounds or pictures, but in attitudes of selfishness, hostility, disagreement, resentment and self-will. Many parents neglect teaching their children's minds. They wait until teachers at school can teach them."*


 In Herbert's mind, the "attitudes" of selfishness, of hostility, disagreement, resentment, and self-will were "satanic" - an influence from an evil spirit. I contest this thinking wholeheartedly as absolute malarkey.

When a child is born, a child is absolutely and completely innocent, and without knowledge. A child has absolutely no concept of what is or is not logic. He only knows emotion. Logic is acquired through experience, when you have enough information to deduce that something is not going to harm you. 

This afternoon, while I was looking out the window, I saw a young mother walking her little baby (just old enough to toddle walk in diapers). The baby tried to run a little to catch up to her, who was just about ten feet up the sidewalk with groceries. The baby tripped on his own feet, and immediately began an instinctive cry. This was emotion - displayed because if insufficient knowledge to make a logical analysis on the situation that the hurt was only temporary. Since there was no balance on the "logical" bank, the "emotional" bank took over because it's all the brain had. A child never has problems displaying emotion. It knows nothing at all abut logic. 

The emotional side of a baby is very sensitive and learns quickly. A baby remembers, but does not have the logic to know how to logically use emotional information. If a parent removes a bottle of juice from a baby's mouth, the baby will react, cry, and remember. The next time the baby is given juice, the child will deduce because of lack of knowledge to form logic that the parent is simply just going to take the juice away, and will pull back. This is what Herbert would call selfishness, or an "attitude problem", and would blame Satan. He would call this a baby being "in disagreement". 



But, even though limited to only the human spirit, he still had a mind that could think, reason, calculate, make decisions. What an animal does is by instinct. What a human does is by thought — by reason — by decision!
Now see where this leads us. You train a growing child as you would train a dog or an elephant to do certain things a certain way. In some cases, because it has become habit, he may not change it.- HWA*

Resentment is learned. If a parent acts harshly to a baby, the baby's emotional side will remember. Resentment is not an attribute that just "happens". Resentment often happens because of mistreatment of the only thing a baby has - emotions. Any "logic" the baby has built up is extremely limited, and harsh treatment of a baby can take up a large part of the baby's "logical" banks. There's just nothing else to go on. To say satan "injects" resentment into a baby is simply to deny that the person saying such never did anything to cause resent in the first place. Common sense says this isn't the case. There are babies that have severe emotional problems due to a brain chemical imbalance which causes them to act in a way that is not appropriate. Herbert would call this "satanic". He'd probably try to exorcise it then get it the help it needs clinically!

Self-will? It's interesting that Herbert calls this "Satanic", since he himself admits he himself was full of this problem and caused his parents a world of trouble. as far as babies go, it's a driving part of their intense curiosity to learn about their whole new world. Only an authoritarian would call this drive "self-will" and think of it as evil. 

Instead of recognizing the makeup of the human mind - the emotional brain, and the logical brain, and seeing how this develops in our earliest years, and observing the sensitivity of the emotional mind and the lack of logic a baby has which is developed only through experiences and the acquisition of knowledge - Herbert only saw things through the mind of a dictatorial authoritarian, where any attitudes of natural emotional development were automatically a satanic spirit dead set about being rebellious. 

There can be no calculating how harmful, illogical, and stupid this kind of thinking was, and did to the precious babies who were simply developing and learning based on the only knowledge they had.

Just a statement: If I was HWA's baby, (Thank God I wasn't!)  I too, think I would become self-willed, stubborn, rebellious, hostile, disagreeable and selfish. 

Oh yeah - I forgot - just look at Garner Ted!
 
*The Plain Truth About Child Rearing, Plain Truth, October 1984. HWA. 


 

Using Logic-Mindfulness to Help Heal from Emotional Abuse

Thinking Logically can Help Heal Wounds

If there's one thing that provokes deep emotion - it's the bully.

Unfortunately, bullying seems to start as soon as a person begins to integrate with society. And many times, the reason is very, very simple: The victim of the bully is somehow perceived as different.

Maybe the young person stands out because of what that individual is not. Perhaps that individual is uncoordinated, or un-athletic. Perhaps that individual has poor eyesight, or hearing. Perhaps that person has an impediment, or a disability. Regardless of the reason, the bully feels the need to use their appearance of superiority to enhance themselves and diminish the other person. It's emotional - regardless of the amount of negativity, it's rooted deeply in emotion.

Bullying is not confined to children, however. Bullying can ,and does, happen in colleges, at work, in homes, in public places - wherever there are people, there's bound to be a bully. And the end results are always the same: Discouragement, Retraction, Isolation, loss of confidence, and avoidance. And invariably, you begin to forget the good things you are, or simply not believe the good things you are,  and only concentrate on the bad things that you are, which leads to a very, very skewed perception of your reality that changes who you are, and eats at you little by little, like a slowly growing cancer.

I was a bully victim in my youth, be cause I was different - and by the very people that were supposed to be the ones you'd think you could trust not to be bullies. I'm talking about the kids of the Church.

Not that they did not have "good reason". My clothes were different, coming from a poor family. My athleticism was nearly non-existent, since I was in non-traditional education. My behavior was non-conformed, because of a great deal of time away from church. In short, I did not fit the mold. I did not "cut the cheese". I did not make the grade to get into the cliques of youthfulness, where acceptance and coolness are everything, and maturity and wisdom are literally non-existent. It's never a good feeling to be the target of any form of bullying.

What a bully says to you does not define you. It does not validate their beliefs. And more than anything, it does not determine who you are, or what you can or cannot accomplish. A bully runs on emotion, who has not learned yet the skills of being logic-minded. And because their analysis of "you" is not logical, it's not "logical" that their opinion of you is truth.

 Using the skills I have learned, the reality of what I went through in the Church with bullies is this:

I was raised and born in a cult environment. That's a fact.

I was not the only one messed up. That's a huge fact. A lot of problems were brought on by the doctrines themselves, and the result of buying into those doctrines and how it affected entire families.

Nearly everyone, in some degree or another, was as messed up as I was. Even the most liberal of the families. We all had our issues. We all had our problems. We all had our struggles. And we all had our own methods to deal with what we went through. Because we all were in the same authoritive, dictatorial way of life which rejected so much of what living is about, and separating ourselves from just about everybody except for those just like us - how could we be expected to not have difficulties? To think I was the only one who was different than the others just couldn't be the case. Once every one of us went into "the world" into school or into work, it didn't matter who we were. Each of us were the oddball. Each of us were the one kid who didn't keep Christmas, or Easter - or participate in any "worldly" thing, or were kept home from Friday night or Saturday activities. Each of us were the different one. Every one of us was the target. And when we all met together at church - the misplaced anger from their experiences was then targeted to the weakest of the church group. In short, we all went through it. This doesn't excuse them, or any bully. But it does help to understand the emotions that were hidden in all of us.

There are causes for every situation, and logical explanations for every question. And thinking back, using logical mindfulness, instead of emotion-driven butt-hurt, can lead to discoveries that pop out that emotion can be quick to consume. If we can get past the emotions that consumed us with the things that have hurt us so much in the past, and look at things with logical-mindfulness, the only effect can be realizations that will help you see things in a new perspective, that can only benefit with healing and recovery.

When you use logical mindfulness to those moments that brought you the most hurt, it can help a great deal to cope with those who haven't yet mastered the skill of the resource of logic-mindfulness, as you put yourself in their shoes, and realize that the root cause of their behavior isn't because you are who you are - it's because they have not accepted and do not like who they are, and using you as a target of their own insecurities.

The ever hurtful people I remember were such ornery, cantankerous kids in the youth group of my past are all grown up now, with children, and some with even grandchildren. There is truth to the phrase "this too, shall pass". To everything there is a season. And regardless of the paths that we have taken in life, nothing can change the way that it was. The only thing I can change is what i do with the memories I hold with me today, and the life that I have in the years to come. And using the tools of logic-mindfulness in the way I address the past, and the ability to change the future, there's progress, a little at a time.

When a Church Violates Your Sacred Trust

I was born into a cult. Born in it.

This is important to understand in the context of this post.

Being born into a way of thinking - a mind-frame - is a way more potent form of indoctrination then making the choice to enter a cult after first being established in a former way of thinking. Of course, this is not the only factor into how intense the indoctrination is.

Other factors include the level of fear that the family shows on violating the doctrines of the cult, the level of adherence to all of the doctrines and expectations of the cult, and how receptive the person born into the cult actually is (the level of rebellion set pretty low.) In my case - the level of fear was at the top of the chain (out of my control, there were issues), the adherence level was borderline neurotic, and I was born with a trusting personality. All of this combined to create the perfect atmosphere for what I call Cultic Brainwashing Syndrome.

The trust factor was exponentially high for me.

The full and trusted, never-questioned authority in my mind, due to this high dose of toxic indoctrination, meant one thing in my mind: The word of the Minister WAS the word. In fact, I can remember staunchly defending the doctrines of the Church as far and as young as I can remember to anyone who would hear me, making me automatically the weirdo and the reject. (I'd even so far as VOLUNTEER the information to an unsuspecting Normal Person.) I fully expected the trumpet to sound, Christ to return, and eventually, we'd be sitting pretty ruling, and I'd finally get my own planet. MY very own planet to dictate to. I never took the time to imagine I could possibly be given a useless, impossible-to-develop, solid-less GAS planet, with the fiercest storms and most toxic atmosphere ever thought of - just full of hot air a place you'd never want to be. (Isn't this an apt description!)

When I grew older, and fully accepted the Armstrong dogmas, and was baptized, living my life in full assurance of Armstrongism (cognitive dissonance and all), my trust in the Church was violated in the space of two hours. The two hours when Joseph W. Tkach, The Head Honcho of the Church, blew apart everything that I ever believed and accepted in the Church. And I do mean, everything.

Herbert Armstrong (LEFT) and Joseph Tkach (RIGHT)

It helps if you look at this in terms of a relationship. It was as if your spouse, who spent 20 years of your marriage presenting exactly the way she was, in full belief of you, took you aside, and in ten minutes told you she was living a double life, was getting a sex change, had a girlfriend for all of those 20 years, had three children you did not know, and oh, by the way - went and did things all the time she told you she hated. It was a shell-shocking blast worthy of Krakatoa.

Now, imagine if this person did this in a cold, calloused, unfeeling, like it or leave it matter, suddenly, without preparation - and told you this is how it was, without even a real, heartfelt, believable apology.

This is the impact. It was like your pastor, your minister, your link to salvation, walked up to you, pulled out a pair of pliers, and yanked out your teeth. No sedation, no drug, no warning. And then said, now you need to learn to eat properly. Have fun with it.

This church violated my sacred trust. It was a relationship. Abusive as it was, it was still a relationship. The extent of the damage of that day could not be measured until many, many years later, undergoing intensive and extensive de-programming therapy.

What do you do when a church violates your sacred trust then? Denominationally, or individually - what can you do? Is there even a way forward? How does one even know how to think? Or how to ever trust again?

I'm not a psychologist. I'm not an expert at how this all works. All I can do is tell you what I was.

I was angry. I was confused. I did not know what to think. And when I investigated further, I became more shocked to discover the truth about not only the church I trusted, but every other factual piece of truth that crumbled every conception I had about the organization that made my life what it was. I felt betrayed. Depression, sadness, and deeper shock set in with every piece of evidence that proved to me that things weren't what I thought they were.

This violation of trust opened my mind to discovering things I had never seen before. I had never noticed the extent of the carnal and horrid nature of Herbert Armstrong. I had never really known the extent of Garner Ted's double life of debauchery. I had never realized how the Co-Worker letters were nothing but fear-laden sales letters, or how hundreds on hundreds of prophecies failed, or how many lies were told to the children of the church by all levels of leadership. I never knew about the massive "ambassador extravagence", or the deceptions involved with financing the master plan of the College on one hand, and getting money by telling the church the world was going to end and give, give, give as a final push on the other hand. I never saw the "coincidences" that were not coincidences at all that fit every puzzle piece together. I never understood the incongruity of the entire farce, until it hit me as a slap in the face of what the church I was involved in actually was - a business, under the pretense of a church.

Not only was my trust violated - but my every perception of what I had lived in thrust me into having to rewire every conception of what I believed was truth. I had to literally rewire, and rethink every thing that I held dear, and try to make sense of the world around me with new eyes, and with new vision. I felt like an alien, stripped of all sense of knowing and reality. This, in conjunction with many other life-issues I will not go into here - was simply a hell hole from the ass of a dragon.

How is it that I was able to accept? To move on? To learn to live?

First - I had to understand that I did not order the circumstances that defined my life. I was not at fault for the things that made my life what it was. I was caught up in something that was completely beyond my control and my abilities. Blaming myself, or wallowing in a pity party for the cards I was dealt, was useless. What was, is what was, and it is, what it is. Period. This came very clear to me after I nearly lost my life due to my medical conditions.

The ability to learn to think logically was paramount. A peaceful scene helps. 

Second - I had to accept the things that I could not change. The serenity prayer is very, very useful and true. God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Third - I needed help. This was the hardest part. I could not do this on my own. This was beyond me and my faculties to handle. So I had to bite the bullet - and get the de-programming help that I needed. My life depended on it. I had to learn how to handle the anxiety and the stress that the environment fueled, so my heart would have a better chance of avoiding a fatal relapse.

Fourth - I had to realize that the church I grew up in was composed of imperfect people. I had to understand what I always sang... "Put your trust not in mortals, for in them is no help." I had personal, absolute, irrefutable evidence of the involvement of Jesus in my life. Without Him, and the way He managed the way things happened as only a Superior Intelligence could, I guarantee you I would be dead right now, at this minute.

Most importantly, and finally. I had to learn to forgive.

Forgiving Herbert Armstrong is important to do. It's a work in progress. (Envoy)

The Worldwide Church of God was a church that violated my trust. It took everything away from me. But the Worldwide Church of God was composed of imperfect people running a worldly organization in worldly ways. The true Church of God is spiritual - and is composed of people who are known by their fruits, not by physical signs - but by the spiritual recognition of love for one another. It was vital that I learned that to move forward, I had to forgive each and every one of them.

Let's be honest. Have I done so? Completely? Totally? Do you expect me to say yes? I can't. I'm still working on it. But that's the honest, truthful answer. I'm not angry anymore - I'm right now in a process of rehabilitation. But I am trying. And I'm not going to lie when my heart is telling me that absolute forgiveness hasn't happened yet - totally and completely. But I understand that it is something that I am striving for, and with the help of God, I will be able to, someday, and hopefully soon, be able to say to Herbert, and to Joe, and all the others in my mind, yes, I absolutely and wholeheartedly forgive you. Because until I can imagine looking at Herbert Armstrong in my minds' eye and embracing him with a forgiving hug, instead of blasting him with words and forcing him to hear my side until I'm done - I don't think I am there yet.

Dealing with when a Church violates your Sacred Trust takes time. And patience. And effort. But it is a process that cannot be ignored, or swept under the rug. It is a process you must take. And it is a process you must not take alone. In the multitude of council there is wisdom. Embrace it. Swallow your pride, and let others work with you to move forward.

It's definitely and absolutely worth the effort.

Relaxing With the Enhancement of the Water Effect

I am very fortunate to live near a large body of water. For one who has dealt with anxiety for the entirety of life since toddlerhood - I'm grateful.

Truthfully, There is really nothing quite as calming as sitting near the shore, hearing the waves lapping against the sand and the beach, and looking out to see blue literally as far as you can see. The warm sun cascades upon you, the breeeze laps at your face. It is the best thing that you can do if you are stressed, anxious, or are feeling like you need a calm moment.

It's been proven the color blue does do something to calm the nerves of a person. It's almost as if it is a natural tranquilizer. The effect takes you away from the worries at hand, and into a sea of the most calm inner tranquility that can last for hours.

I thought I'd take a moment to share something that has worked for me when I absolutely need relaxation. 

One of the things that has really worked when managing stress is deep breathing. Calm, deep breathing is so effective in focusing the mind - and being mindful of where you stand on the emotion vs. logic scale.

If you are so fortunate to live near a great body of water, try this sometime:

Sit near the body of water, and clear your thoughts. Really clear your thoughts. If you feel other thoughts try to sneak in, be aware of this and try again.

Breathe in as deep as you can, focusing only on your breathing.

Then breathe out, again, focusing only on your breathing.

Do this about ten times or so, staring out into the deep blue of the body of water you are near. Listen to the waves, the surf, and the birds. Concentrate only on your breathing and on looking out into the sea. You will feel yourself flowing into a natural state of relaxation and tranquility. It's an amazing feeling that will help. If you don't have s large body of water around you where you live, find a nice park to sit in where it's really quiet, that has a pond - or a nice lake.

Then once calm, remember to think logically. Think of not the things that could be, but the things that are. Think of not the things that could happen, only concentrate on the present - what really exists right now. One of the biggest problems of chronic anxious people and worriers is giving in to the "what if's". I have learned that "What if's" hardly ever become reality in the way one envisions it.

As Jesus said, "Do not worry about tomorrow. For sufficient for today is it's own trouble."

Taking things day by day logically, and by exercising calming practices, can really help. And the blue, clear waters will only soothe you even more, and cause you to feel more refreshed, no matter the situation that ails you. It's helped me. I hope it may help you when you need to find a moment. If you have a method of relaxation that works for you, please comment below.

As the saying goes.

Keep calm, and carry on. 

The Scripture That I Never Remember Hearing in the Worldwide Church of God

Romans 8:1-4, NKJV 

Some of the most beautiful words I never remember hearing.

 There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who^[a] do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. ² For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. ³ For what the law could not do in that it was weak through the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, on account of sin: He condemned sin in the flesh, ⁴ that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

Bible Gateway