The Voice

A Few of my very earliest memories was that of what transpired at the Feast of Tabernacles - when I, as a toddler, had my very own luxurious space during the Feast of Tabernacles - on a cold, cement floor surrounded by legs, shoes, and the bottom elements of grey folding metal chairs. Yet these physical elements were not the substance of my memories. The substance of the memories was a booming, authoritative, and strongly echoing voice that filled not only the Tabernacle - or metal warehouse - that I, along with 14,000 others, were inhabiting for hours per day for eight total days in that Fall. It was that voice that I remember most clearly.

It was that voice - the live, and deep bass voice - of Herbert W. Armstrong - that penetrated my head with the force of a clap of thunder and the peal of an angry drill sergeant. Sleeping was a necessity for a person of my age at that time - two, three, or even four years of age. Sleep, however, in the audio presence of a certain Herb was not as the effect of Chamomile. No, sleep was not to be had when you were a baby in the Worldwide Church of God when Herbert Armstrong was speaking. For the very moment that you began to be lulled by a more distant rumble - a strike of lightning would punctuate the Arena - activating the emergency wails of miniature alarms no greater than 20 pounds in weight and 2 feet in height. Also activated were the transporter units of mothers who would take these tiny alarms and rush them to the silencing room, as distractions were frowned upon - and that's putting it mildly.

Herbert Armstrong to the youngest of the Armstrong Era alive to remember it was not the Apostle. He was not the gentle grandfather. He wasn't even "nice" in the memories of us. Herbert was a force. A power - not benevolent in appearance, but violent and fierce. A malevolent being that could change from light to dark in the flash of a heartbeat.

I remember as a child looking up at Herbert on the Big Screen at those Feast of Tabernacles. Literally - I had to look up and between heads and shoulders when I was standing up on a seat and not trying to sleep on blankets, cradled with an Etch-A-Sketch and a "Little Professor". I remember his animatd motions. His lean in the chair. And the one time I did what I wasn't supposed to do - I laughed at him when he knocked a lamp over with his dramatic and far flung hand gestures. I didn't look up to him - now in a more emotional sense - as a religious figure. I looked up to Herbert Armstrong as someone to be very, very afraid of.

That element of fear - a pervasive, far-reaching element - was an emotion that Herbert Armstrong crafted to a science for not only those of us who were babies within the Church, but for all who were a part of the brief, yet powerful, movement - for those of us who were seduced into it. That element of fear was in the single man and woman being told how their marriage would be arranged. That element was in the baptized member afraid to upset the minister for fear he or she would be disfellowshipped for trivial mutiny. That element was in the father and husband who was just told to quit his job because it violated either Church rules or the minister's order. That element was in the wife who was told to submit to the husband, the minister, and every command of the Church. That element of fear was something that we simply called "Submission to Government". It was a part of our culture, ingrained into us from day one of Herbert's regime pounded into our psychological crevices, cemented by threats of eternal damnation should we rebel, and use common sense or critical thinking. That element of fear was called "Unity". That element of fear was called "order". Those not submissive to such unity and order were the "World" - and the "World" was what you did not want to be a part of, because then you were, you were told, subject to great loss - and great affliction from physical and spiritual forces. The element of fear is what held you in. It encapsulated, suffocated, and paralyzed you - yet was calming and familiar enough to lull you into a sense of security. Reality became unknown, traded for the narrow and false visions of lies and deceit from one man who convinced you he was sent by God to take you where no man had gone in 1900 years - to truth. Except every aspect of Herbert's ministry was founded on lie, after lie, after lie.

It has been a long time since those days of sitting on the cold, gray, unfeeling cement floors of those warehouse buildings used as Tabernacles. A few of those buildings still exist, such as at Wisconsin Dells, Lake of the Ozarks, and Big Sandy. Time, however has changed those buildings, and time has changed those who used to fill it's cavernous coldness (in some cases, literal coldness!). The Ozarks building only houses boats now. The Wisconsin Dells building belongs to another group altogether, as does the Big Sandy Tabernacle. And for most of us who grew up under the shadow of an abusive, dominating, greed-filled bully - there is no longer any reason to fear him or Armstrongism in general. For the movement that created such fear has fizzled out in a most spectacular dud you could ever imagine.

That voice? That resonant, powerful voice? Silent. Yet the voice that continues to persist and penetrate - that Voice - the voice that says, "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life". That Voice that says "For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." That Voice that says  "I am the Resurrection and the Life." That Voice that is gentle as a whisper and timeless as the Alpha and Omega. That Voice that searches our hearts and minds. That voice of Truth - yes, that Voice remains, and has remained from the Time of His Birth, to now, and to forevermore. He was never silenced. He was always there. That's the Voice. That's the One. That's the Truth. He's the Wonderful Counselor, the Prince of Peace, the Everlasting Father. And HE - Jesus - is far more powerful than that other voice of lies that came, spoke, and has been silenced so we could finally hear and know The Voice of Jesus Christ, our Lord.

Herbert Armstrong: A Classic Case of Narcisistic Personality Disorder

Herbert W. Armstrong was a Narcissist.

This has been discussed on many COG-related blogs and websites over the past twenty years. This site shall be no exception.

The Churches of God have enabled and fueled Narcissists for the entirety of their70+ years of existence, claiming and deceiving the grandiose delusions that they and they alone were the only ones God was calling and working with out of the billions of people on the Earth today. Not many were as thoroughly narcissistic, though, as the businessman, Herbert Armstrong - who displayed, without any doubt and with thorough verification and confirmation - every aspect of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

From Wikipedia: 

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder with a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.^[2][3] Those affected often spend a lot of time thinking about achieving power or success, or on their appearance.^[3] They often take advantage of the people around them.^[3] The behavior typically begins by early adulthood, and occurs across a variety of social situations.^[3]

The DSM-5 indicates that persons with NPD usually display some or all of the following symptoms, typically without the commensurate qualities or accomplishments:^[6][9]

HWA Walking Through A Massive Parade Front and Center

 

1. Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from other people
2. Fixated on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness, etc.
3. Self-perception of being unique, superior, and associated with high-status people and institutions
4. Needing continual admiration from others
5. Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others

There were constant Pastor General Report mailings to ministers absolutely filled with ministers heaping on the praises and lavish endorsements of HWA, each fueling and enabling the narcissistic behavior of HWA on every level, causing him to believe his grandiose fantasies as reality. HWA had the self-perception of being not only unique, but the only "apostle" on the face of the Earth at that period of time. He considered himself fully superior to all other ministers and members of the Church, and to all humanity who was not being "called by God" at the time. And, Herbert constantly, from age 16 onward, enjoyed and was motivated to spend time and be like high-status "important" people as well as institutions. His expectations of superior treatment ranged from constant complaining about the size of his office to the "quality" he constantly expected and demanded from others and for himself. He also felt needy for special treatment - and he absolutely and unquestionably demanded obedience from all people under his "authority" as Pastor General of the Worldwide Church of God. 

Another proof of NPD was exploitation.

1. Exploitative of others to achieve personal gain
2. Unwilling to empathize with the feelings, wishes, and needs of other people.

 

  Exploit means to derive full use and benefit from a source. 

An example of Herbert's exploitation of his members of his church was to drain out and squeeze every ounce of income he could from them - without care or without concern about their personal struggles, instead shifting the responsibility to God to take care of them because they were obedient to HWA - or as he called it "The Government of God".

He would demand First Tithe, Second Tithe, Third Tithe, Regular Holy Day offerings, Building Fund Offerings, Local Church Activity Fundraisers, Additional Contributions and Donations as required from the members - and plead, beg, threaten and gravel for increased Co-Worker contributions pleading every possible crisis and emergency that could possibly exist to increase his funds large enough to complete his Master Plan. This fulfilled the very definition of exploitation.

• Intensely envious of others, and the belief that others are equally envious of them

Herbert would continually watched other evangelists/"competition" and compared himself to them (Oral Roberts, Billy Graham), often criticizing their methodologies of their crusades and large-scale evangelistic events. He fit both categories of the above statement perfectly - envious of them, and believing they were envious of his accomplishments. His boasting over ratings - beating Oral Roberts - was extreme, as can be noted in sermons he would give in the 1950s. 

• Pompous and arrogant demeanor

Herbert often referred to himself as The Apostle, The Head under Jesus Christ, and many other titles and descriptions.He would also refer to himself in the third person - or sign his name to third person attributions written by others.

People with NPD tend to exaggerate their skills, accomplishments, and their level of intimacy with people they consider high-status.

From the very early years, he would often brag of his associations with the famous and the fortunate - such as Hubbard, oil executives - using his job in the Trade Journal meeting with Chief Executive Officers to boost and boast his accomplishments with millionaires and successful people - taking notes of how they did what they did as he went on.

When their own ego is wounded by a real or perceived criticism, their anger can be disproportionate to the situation.

To the extent that people are pathologically narcissistic, they can be controlling, blaming, self-absorbed, intolerant of others' views, unaware of others' needs and the effects of their behavior on others, and insist that others see them as they wish to be seen.

Since the fragile ego of individuals with NPD is hypersensitive to perceived criticism or defeat, they are prone to feelings of shame, humiliation, and worthlessness over minor or even imagined incidents.

They usually mask these feelings from others with feigned humility or by isolating themselves socially, or they may react with outbursts of rage, defiance, or by seeking revenge.

According to Leonard Groopman and Arnold Cooper, the following have been identified by various researchers as possible factors that promote the development of NPD:^[20]

• An oversensitive temperament (personality traits) at birth.

• Excessive admiration that is never balanced with realistic feedback.

• Excessive praise for good behaviors or excessive criticism for bad behaviors in childhood.

• Overindulgence and overvaluation by parents, other family members, or peers.

• Being praised for perceived exceptional looks or abilities by adults.

• Severe emotional abuse in childhood.

• Unpredictable or unreliable caregiving from parents.

• Learning manipulative behaviors from parents or peers.

• Valued by parents as a means to regulate their own self-esteem.

Herbert Armstrong fits the category of what has been defined as an "Unprincipled Narcissist."

Unprincipled narcissist Including antisocial features.

Deficient conscience; unscrupulous, amoral, disloyal, fraudulent, deceptive, arrogant, exploitive; a con artist and charlatan; dominating, contemptuous, vindictive.

It is my critical, unofficial, unscientific, and wholly unprofessional statement and belief, based on many years of personal experience within Armstrongism, observation, analysis, co-worker letters, articles in all sorts of Media, including Pastor General Reports, The Plain Truth, The Good News, Videos, Attributions, reports from those who knew him, the Autobiographies, that Herbert Armstrong was in all ways a Pathological Unprincipled Narcissist, suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, to the harm and detriment, financial, spiritual, emotional, and mental, of his victims both in his Worldwide Church of God and around the world via media, including radio and television. 
It is also my opinion that many of those who have developed their own organizational splinters using Armstrong's methodologies also display narcissistic tendencies, exacerbated by Armstrong's narcissistic personality disorder, business, and dogma.    Finally, it is my opinion that those who are a part of the organizations of Armstrongism are prone to develop Narcissistic Personality Disorder, based on the teachings and doctrines of the groups that promote the agendas of Armstrongism.     





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 Photos from Behind The Work Videos, AC Press
Some text above is from Wikipedia. This text has been altered to include observations by the author of this post. Refer to the Wikipedia Post for all Wikipedia exact references. 

 

You Cannot Force Someone To Be Happy.

Herbert Armstrong would always say that the role of the Overseer - the spirit being Worldwide Church of God God-Being in the Millennium - under Christ - would be to FORCE people, through the enforcement of Law under Jesus Christ - to be happy - by teaching them the ways of the Law and swift punishment for disobedience to that Law.

This reason was partially enforced by his literal interpretation of the scripture of Zechariah 14, which claimed that all the nations that do not go to Jerusalem for the Feast would receive no rain.

Of course, this was an allegorical parable to those who had not yet been revealed the spiritual mysteries of God which were made possible through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ and the indwelling of the Spirit which reconciles us to the Father. No one in the Old Testament days of Zechariah could ever understand that this scripture - like all the scriptures in the Law and the Prophets - pointed directly to Jesus Christ. And neither could Herbert Armstrong.

There's one aspect, however, that even a literal interpretation - what Herbert Armstrong was best at - cannot nullify. And that aspect is the freedom of choice that humanity has been given. No, freedom of choice does not eliminate consequence. But you are always free to choose whether or not you will follow Christ, or if you will not. If you will receive rain from heaven, or if you will not - the blessings of living life abundantly in Jesus, or the consequences of "no rain".

The aspect of kingship that Herbert Armstrong drooled over was very apparent in what was approved for the musicals he allowed in the Young Ambassador Festival of Music. One musical that was allowed into the Festival Film was "The King and I". In this musical, you have a display of a very authoritative king who is used to yielding all power and control over his subjects, produced in 1956. Such a musical would certainly have appealed to Herbert's love of power and control - and especially ruling. This was, exactly, the kind of kingship that Herb and Hirelings, through psychological trickery and deception, chained their tithe slaves with day in and day out. But through all of this trickery and deceipt - one thing he never did was forced anyone to be happy.

Herbert never was able to take away the freedom of choice from the members of his cult. He may have been able to deceive people into thinking leaving his cult was the worst thing they could ever do. Why, they'd be reduced to working manual labor. They'd be possessed by blood-thirsty demons. They'd have no friends, no life - in this age, or in the age to come. Good for nothings. This power of deception, however, was overcome by many who did leave the cult, and through overcoming, began to see through the lies and trickery with a clear head and conscience. Herbert was never able to force anyone to be happy.

The truth is, you cannot force anyone - for any reason - to be happy. In fact, forcing people - the exact words that Herbert used - is, in every way, illegal in spiritual and human law.

Forcing someone to do anything is a violation of free will - the one thing that God has always put as a prime directive for everyone - physically and even spiritually. God did not force Satan to be happy and content. He did not force the demons to do His will. He did not stop them from rebelling. He never stopped them from interfering with humanity. He never stopped "the serpent" from offering "Eve" the "Apple". You will never find in scripture God forcing ANYONE to do anything they did not want to do. God did not even FORCE Jesus to sacrifice Himself, and to become sin for us. Jesus himself said if he wanted to, he could call upon thousands of angels to minister to him. Jesus CHOSE to do what He did for us. He CHOSE to lay down His life for us. And by choosing to do so, he became worthy of all honor and praise and kingship.

In reality, Herbert's love of "Force" should be scary to anyone who hears or looks into it. Herbert's ministry of force was evident in everything he did. From forcing members to become ordained (they didn't have a choice). From forcing ministers never to retire. (They didn't have a choice) To forcing members as to where to go for the Feast, to what Hotel - they didn't have a choice either. To forcing members as to how to dress, or what they can or can't do on a certain day. (They didn't have a choice). Everything in Herbert's mind was FORCE. A rod of iron. A fist and a sword.

Of course, he would say, "I'm not forcing anyone! You have choice! If you want to go, GO! We don't need you anyway!" In so many words. Yet, he was forcing his way. And he did this with and through fear of consequence if you did not obey. That you would be HAPPY under his control and his power. That you would be HAPPY as his tithe slave. That you would be HAPPY under the rule of his interpretation of all powerful Law. And that you would be DEAD - spiritually - if you dared rebel and go do your own thing - words he despised.

But none of this was true.



Jesus taught that in his Spirit, there is freedom, there is liberty, and there is peace. Jesus said that his yoke is easy, and his burden is light. The Apostles taught the power of living a life of love and service to your fellow man - to love God and to love your neighbor as yourself. Jesus taught his disciples to CHOOSE life. To CHOOSE to do right. To CHOOSE to be a great example. To CHOOSE.

Even in the book of Matthew, in Chapter 25, Jesus spoke specifically of the freedom of choice. He said that there would be two groups of people. Those who chose to serve - to visit the sick, the jailed, the widows, the orphans - and those who did not. He never indicated once he would force them to do anything while living life on Earth. He never once said anything about commanding them to do this or that. He never took away their choice. There were simply those who chose to, and those who chose not to. He did not force them. He showed them a way, and set an example. The choice was always up to them.

Just as such, by the imposition of dictatorial force, you cannot command happiness. You cannot command rejoicing. You cannot tell someone they have to be happy at a certain time and a certain place. (Yes, they tried this too, at the Feast.) You cannot force unity. You cannot force positive emotion. The most you can do is create a fraud. Someone who appears happy, someone who appears joyful, someone who appears in line - but inside, could be depressed, angry, sad, frustrated, down, discouraged, and downtrodden. This is not "the Government of God". This is nothing but the worship of appearances and the culture of lies from the inward self out to all a person encounters. It's a culture of evil, lacking honesty and truth.

The idea of "forcing" people to be happy is contrary to every word and every verse in the word of God. God is a God that allows choice - and consequence to those choices. God is also a God who is very clear what Justice he serves on those who violate someone else's choice - that is, forces someone to go against their free moral will in life. This "Government of God" of Herbert Armstrong?

It was not the "Government of God" at all. It was the "Government of Dictatorial Force and Power" - the government of oppression. 

No. You can never force someone to be happy.

Happiness is only accomplished when your choices fulfill your destiny, and your purpose. 

Whatever that may be.

God Had Something To Say About the Worldwide Church of God.

This is as close to I could come for a description of the "suggested" model of Tithing in the Worldwide Church of God under Herbert Armstrong - and even some of the splinters of that church that continue to exist today. If someone was to have followed the letter of the law precisely - and avoid being labeled a "slacker" or an "unenthusiastic, unconverted" do-nothing of a member - this is what likely faced you each and every day and week and month and year.

The method was nothing short of extortion, in my opinion. You were constantly, weekly, bi-weekly - monthly - and at every sermon - harangued, badgered, bugged, pleaded - and threatened of your very eternal life - to give wholeheartedly and enthusiastically to every demand of the church. But it never started that way.

When most came into "The Work", the most they felt they had to give was one tithe. But it wasn't long that they learned there was much more to the story than what they were initially told. The free magazine was too good to be true.

Soon, you learned that there was a second tithe to attend a convention you had to go to. Yes, you had to foot the bill for a mandatory conference that pictured something that was promised that never came when they said it would. Then, once you were baptized, you had to give ANOTHER 10 percent of your income every three years for funds that supposedly (but did not always) went for a benevolence fund for widows and orphans and the poor.

But that wasn't even all. Every seven holy days every year, you had to give a substantial voluntary offering which also went to headquarters!

But wait! There's more!

You also had to pay for the events and the activities of your local church activity fund. The kids' YOU outfits, meets, balls, square dances - all were on the local church's dime you were expected to help out with. You would spend your time in fundraisers, garage sales, baskets - whatever it took to raise the additional money so you and your church could try to have some kind of a life, since birthdays and festive times were already out of the picture.

But wait! There's more!

When the church was having their huge building fund, you were ALSO threatened with the loss of eternal life if you did not contribute to the building fund for the expansion of their college and to help pay for the loans that would eventually solidify their crown gem, Ambassador College.

And, where did your funds go. What did they accomplish.

The Lord has words for these kind of acts. And they're all in the Old Covenant that Armstrongism claims is in force. 

*****

and do not oppress the widow or the orphan, the stranger or the poor; and do not devise evil in your hearts against one another. Zech 7:10

Do not rob the poor because he is poor, Or crush the afflicted at the gate; For the LORD will plead their case. Proverbs 22:22-23

"For if you truly amend your ways and your deeds, if you truly practice justice between a man and his neighbor, if you do not oppress the alien, the orphan, or the widow, and do not shed innocent blood in this place, nor walk after other gods to your own ruin, then I will let you dwell in this place, in the land that I gave to your fathers forever and ever. Jer 7:5-7

"Who among us can live with the consuming fire? Who among us can live with continual burning?" He who walks righteously and speaks with sincerity, He who rejects unjust gain Isaiah 33:14

May he vindicate the afflicted of the people, Save the children of the needy And crush the oppressor.  Psalm 72:4

Woe to those who enact evil statutes And to those who constantly record unjust decisions, So as to deprive the needy of justice And rob the poor of My people of their rights, So that widows may be their spoil And that they may plunder the orphans. Now what will you do in the day of punishment, And in the devastation which will come from afar? To whom will you flee for help? And where will you leave your wealth?Isaiah 10: 1-3

Therefore because you impose heavy rent on the poor And exact a tribute of grain from them, Though you have built houses of well-hewn stone, Yet you will not live in them; You have planted pleasant vineyards, yet you will not drink their wine. Amos 5:11

Woe to those who scheme iniquity, Who work out evil on their beds! When morning comes, they do it, For it is in the power of their hands. They covet fields and then seize them, And houses, and take them away They rob a man and his house, A man and his inheritance. Therefore thus says the LORD, "Behold, I am planning against this family a calamity From which you cannot remove your necks; And you will not walk haughtily, For it will be an evil time. Micah 2: 1-3

Yes, this is exactly what happened with the Worldwide Church of God. 

Every detail. Every scripture. 

Every word. 

Did not they exact heavy rent on the poor? 

Did not they covet fields and seize them? 

And houses? And take them away? 

Did they not purchase poor people's houses for their own gain? 

Diod they not rob the poor of the people their rights? 

Did they not constantly record unjust decisions?

Did they not walk after other Gods to their own ruin? 

Were not the widows their spoil? 

And did not God bring against the Church a calamity from which they could not remove their necks, and in which they could not walk haughtily any longer? 

All they built was taken away, sold, distributed, and collapsed. 

It all happened exactly as God's Word said it would. 

After all, those who live by the Law are judged by the Law. 

Treasure photos courtesy Banned by HWA.

 

 

The Songs of Dwight Armstrong - The Musical Center of It All

There are not many words that can express exactly what it is that I experience, and feel - when I hear the familiar tunes of Dwight Armstrong - the tunes that I grew up with in the Worldwide Church of God, and are still commonplace in Armstrongism.

They are not just songs. They are experiences. They contain not just words - but emotion. Smell. And texture. The songs comprised everything that was.

Every song has a memory. Every song has an emotion. And every word is etched forever in memory.

Certain songs bring me back to front and center within the Tabernacle at the Feast of Tabernacles. I can still smell cologne, perfumes, cool air - and the electric buzz of excitement within the room - all dressed in their best suits and dresses. Other songs bring me back to the local church - singing the last hymn before the closing prayer and the after-church fellowship hour. And yet other songs bring me to other places and events - like sports outings and the like. Not one song evokes the same memory. Every memory is different.

The song I am hearing now is "Joyfully Sing and Praise God" - and that, too, immediately evokes different memories of combined services for a district basketball meet. It is amazing how each song is tied into such different events.

I have always been a musically oriented person. I have sang in choirs, and festival choirs in the past. I've also played a little in the church orchestra back in the day - and later on, I was a scheduled song leader with the Local Church on rotation. The hymns were always in the center of it all. Learning the bass portions of the hymns was a challenge to me - it was a wholly different way of singing the hymns, but soon, they became very much a part of normal hymn-singing.

The one that just came on now while typing was one I remember so well. "How lovely Are Thy Dwellings". We always sang this one either in the middle of the service, or at the close of the service. It has a most unforgettable memory. "Blest and happy is the man, who has found his strength in thee..." Yes, it was, and is,  a beautiful and biblical tune.

What's this you say? Am I being positive about my experiences in the Church? I'm telling it like it is. Just like I tell exactly how it was about the Church being a business, and Herbert Armstrong being a businessman. That's the truth. There's no other way around it. They perverted the Gospel, and ruined many lives. I don't shy around with that.

That doesn't mean that I have to be absolutely negative about every experience that I had in the Church. I will never, as long as I live, forget the amazing times that I experienced at SEP. Yes, there were times in there I wish I could forget. But overall, those times were greatly overshadowed by the positive times I had at Camp.

These songs - the songs of Dwight Armstrong. Some of them, yes, were pretty horrid and dirgy. Some I don't agree should be sung because of their discouraging words and cognitive dissonance. I know of some people who cannot listen to them, because it is a reminder of some truly horrible times, and induces a tremendous amount of guilt for falling for the scam of Armstrongism. And yes, that's exactly what it was, a scam. Yet, some of these songs are the manifestation of the reality that I spent most of my life in. And some do have beautiful melodies. Though I know well that they are rooted in a worldly, carnal, and purely physically oriented religion - there is no denying that they bring memories of a period of my life that I have learned - through much therapy - to grow from - but nevertheless to accept that it was what it was.

This is why I named the blog what I named it: "Owl in Some Poor Wasteland" - an ode to an often quoted verse on the song "He Shall Reign Forevermore".It's perfectly fitting in a variety of ways.

So, when I hear these songs, I can remember the places, the times, the experiences, the smells, the conversations, the excitement, and the memories of a time and a place of such a long time ago. They allow me to tap into these memories to help share the experiences of then - and the reality of now - and every point that happened along the way. My hope is that the memories I share on this blog, in the construct of history in full brutal honesty, will, for those who grew up in the environment that I did, may provoke conversation and only help with the healing and conversation of those who I share this unusual collective history with.

Because at one point, at one time, somewhere in the past - for those of us who were in the WCG - you and I together, wherever we were - somewhere - sang these songs at the exact same time. And back then, that was a very unifying and unforgettable moment.

Many may begrudge these songs. And that's okay. Each one evokes a different memory based on what we experienced and how we assemble our memories in the context that they were in. Whether good (like Camp) or bad (there were a great many) - I cannot pretend - nor will I pretend - that that part of my life was gone. Acceptance and reason is paramount in the process of going forward. As such, I must realize - with a fully logical mind - the aspects and the influence in the greater scheme of all that was that has shaped all that is.

It is with this perspective that I allow myself to sing along to such words as owls and sparrows and the like. It can only strengthen my perspective on the realities, and differentiate strongly between the storms of the past and the breaking clouds in the next phase of life in recovery. I thank God for His hand in all of it. After all, his mercy, truly, never fails. 

Pulling Back the Curtain on Herbert Armstrong

For the longest time - it was very difficult me, for any length of time, to listen to the voice of Herbert Armstrong.

Every time that I would attempt to hear his voice, it was an immediate flash back to the days of my youth. Hearing him speak, in a loud baritone yell, sitting on the cold grey floor or chair of the metal Tabernacle building at one of the church-owned Festival sites. Never knowing what he was saying at first - but knowing it was important. And serious.

So important was Herbert Armstrong in my childhood - because of the fact that he was very nearly deified in our family. We didn't quite get there - but if you have ever looked at the adulation and idolatry of the PCG group of Herbert Armstrong - you can get an idea. His importance and influence in my family was first and high, second to God. The ministers were his representative.We were slaves to the madness.

After many years of de-programming by experts, including an individual that had life experience in a similiar situation, I can now look at and hear the man in the third person - not as the young person in awe of the white-haired man with the powerful Wizard of Oz voice. The spell is broken. The chains have been cut. The shackles have fallen. And Jesus is the one who made it possible.

Before, when I would hear him for the short bursts that I could handle, I would have immediate dreams or flashbacks of those experiences. I would literally be able to smell, and taste, and feel the environment. Whether I saw him on the big screen of a transmission at the Feast - or saw him live - it was the same vividness and the same reactions in my head, engraved and etched with a soldering iron tipped with an iron blade, searing in deep precision.

I am taking on the task of hearing and transcripting sermons from the 50s and the 60s, and adding my own commentary (see the link upper right). I was able to get through the whole thing - and did not have to shut it off to de-process and de-brief more than twice. And here's what I have learned.

Looking past the lens of former idolatry and near-worship of my past, he was a short-memoried, not-the-best speaker of a man who actually, beyond expert speaking skills, was not that special. He knew what to say and made sense in some areas behind the pulpit - but turned around and did the exact opposite in real life. In other areas, he was absolutely wrong and speaking from his own mind. His business knowledge was very good - but that's what it was. Business skill. He was as worldly-minded as you could get. I can honestly say that I was absolutely not impressed. The fog of the brainwashing has lifted. I could see the man without the cloud of idolatry and deception.

I could do this only through prayer and through de-programming. I can feel comfortable now hearing him, not as some superbeing in a human suit - but knowing what the truth is. That he was a master at business with plenty of knowledge on how to manipulate and condition the mind due to his advertising training.

I wish to say to anyone who is in recovery from the effects of Armstrongism the following advice. And I mean this from the very depth of my experience.

Do not try to go this alone. It takes time and effort, and much prayer, to detoxify yourself from the horrid influences of cult mentality. The effects of the brainwashing that you must be reliant on others for your salvation takes time, and patience. You must reprogram your wiring. It is probably far, far deeper than you could ever imagine it was. I was surprised at first with how intense and how deep - and how much of my life that was impacted in nearly every way - from who I am, to my personality, to every part of me that needed to be reworked and corrected. I am by no means done with this - I've still got a tremendous ways to go, and I admit it fully. But I cannot do it alone. And anyone who thinks they can do it alone is underestimating the power of the spell cast by the deception of Herbert Armstrong.

And being able to actually listen to Herbert Armstrong without the conditioning of cult mentality is a huge breakthrough. I know he was just a man. A little man - with a huge pocketbook and seemingly endless greed as a chicago real estate businessman who found a product, and sold it without concern or regard to what happens to those who buy it - and to those who did buy it - you were Herbert's financial slave for life. And he had all the treasures you'd ever need to see to prove it.

Yes, it's true - The truth shall set you free.

The Alternative Thinking of the Children of the Cults

The effects of alternative thinking on the lives of young people has been one of the most extensive influences on my life as part of an end-time doomsday cult. One instance that came to mind this morning finally linked to the intensive research into my past to figure out exactly where I came from, fully what I was a part of, as steps of healing in my ongoing journey of de-programming and cult recovery.

There was a season in my young life as a second and third grader that, for whatever reason, I had to convince my classmates that I had supernatural abilities that I did not have. For many of the classmates, it simply did not work. But for one, it did work. It validated my "powers" and my "abilities".

One might consider this perfectly normal for the imagination of a small child in his first years of primary school. Imagine the kid pretending to be Superman, jumping off a small rock and "flying" all the way across the back yard. Or the small child on his tricycle, imagining he's zooming in and out of asteroids on a "star trek" through the neighborhood's church parking lot. Those are the imaginations at work - healthy and part of a brain's natural development.

In my environment, I was taught "not" to engage in "pretend" - or unrealistic imaginations on paper, like coloring the sky purple or the grass red. "pretending" was wrong - as wrong as reading fiction, or listening to different varieties of music. Adherance to realism was paramount. Pretending was to engage in a lie. And lying, after all, was a sin. My family took Armstrongism literally, and seriously.

Enter in the belief system that I had as a child, directly from all of my information sources. I was told I was in training to be God. I was told I would get my own planet. I was told this would happen in just a few years (I didn't quite grasp the fact that my parents were the ones to be converted into a spirtual superpower, and I had to remain on Earth because I was not baptized - this happened a little bit later.) Of course, I was also fully indoctrinated with the whole mother-load of Armstrongism dogma, including the Bible Story imagery from Basil Wolverton. Those who were a part of the cult, or take the time to study into it, can get a good grasp of what that contained.

The difference between the young child pretending on the street - and what my episode in elementary school was - is a matter of belief.

The young child playing superman understood the difference between "pretending" to be Superman, and the thought of actually becoming Superman. It was play, and pretend-time. Once the young child was done "pretending", the mind switched to the next event - peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and a glass of milk before running out the door for a full afternoon of more playtime (in the summertime, of course).

The young me believed what he was told. He was going to be God. He was going to have powers and his own planet. He was excited that in a few years, he was going to be one of the pioneers of the Wonderful World Tomorrow. And in the next year or two, our going home from the Feast would be the last physical Feast we would ever experience. For me, this was not pretend. This was real life. It was going to happen. Herbert W. Armstrong said so. And what he said was reality.

I thought of myself as superior to the other children - a higher standard. I thought of myself as different and set apart. I had to set the example. I had to be as perfect as I could possibly be, because I did not want to make my parents, or God, mad at me.

I had spent decades wondering exactly why I acted in the way I did back in the second and the third grade. I attributed everything to an overactive imagination - a normal part of growing up. However, when you have an intentionally stifled imagination and a grounding from pretending - and then actual imagination turned into an alternative "reality" - then you've got a very messed up and abnormal psyche and way of developing as a child. Add on to that weekly meetings of fiction turned into an alternative reality - and again - you're just feeding the brain delusions.

This is one reason how the Church is responsible for the psychological harm and abuse of the children of the Church - from Herbert Armstrong to the ministry to the regular people to their children - weaving a wave of deception from the top down with pure goals of self-centered greed. The methods that Armstrongism used to infiltrate it's members with alternative facts - blatant misuse of mind conditioning and cult psychology to achieve an agenda - were criminal.

I know that those in Armstrongism will turn right around and say that that's what "the World" always does, with teaching about Santa and the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy. These things that we were taught were not fairy tale stories that you grew out of. These thngs that we were taught were not metaphors such as puppets and Sesame Street that teach a lesson and are understood as people grew older and could understand the concepts as an adult. These were beliefs that stuck with you and were reinforced week after week, and year after year. No child grows up to believe Santa is real, or that the Easter Bunny will hop around when you are 30. Those in Armstrongism built a whole religion on one man's fairy tale of becoming Gods and rulers in a universal real estate development program and ruling the whole agri-centric world based on a wholly racist and wholly physical interpretation of the plan of God - where people to this day still believe it, and mess up their children's lives to this day in the process.

Not only do I talk about this for my personal healing - but to show others how whacked and how deep of a con-job the whole mess was, and what it did to the psyche, the imagination, the centers of logic and reasoning, and the faith and belief of God himself. It is incumbent on those who were and have been a part of the entire scam to realize the depth of the deepness of the cancer of Armstrongism, that metastasized itself to delusional psychosis in the worldviews of so many.

When a Church Violates Your Sacred Trust

I was born into a cult. Born in it.

This is important to understand in the context of this post.

Being born into a way of thinking - a mind-frame - is a way more potent form of indoctrination then making the choice to enter a cult after first being established in a former way of thinking. Of course, this is not the only factor into how intense the indoctrination is.

Other factors include the level of fear that the family shows on violating the doctrines of the cult, the level of adherence to all of the doctrines and expectations of the cult, and how receptive the person born into the cult actually is (the level of rebellion set pretty low.) In my case - the level of fear was at the top of the chain (out of my control, there were issues), the adherence level was borderline neurotic, and I was born with a trusting personality. All of this combined to create the perfect atmosphere for what I call Cultic Brainwashing Syndrome.

The trust factor was exponentially high for me.

The full and trusted, never-questioned authority in my mind, due to this high dose of toxic indoctrination, meant one thing in my mind: The word of the Minister WAS the word. In fact, I can remember staunchly defending the doctrines of the Church as far and as young as I can remember to anyone who would hear me, making me automatically the weirdo and the reject. (I'd even so far as VOLUNTEER the information to an unsuspecting Normal Person.) I fully expected the trumpet to sound, Christ to return, and eventually, we'd be sitting pretty ruling, and I'd finally get my own planet. MY very own planet to dictate to. I never took the time to imagine I could possibly be given a useless, impossible-to-develop, solid-less GAS planet, with the fiercest storms and most toxic atmosphere ever thought of - just full of hot air a place you'd never want to be. (Isn't this an apt description!)

When I grew older, and fully accepted the Armstrong dogmas, and was baptized, living my life in full assurance of Armstrongism (cognitive dissonance and all), my trust in the Church was violated in the space of two hours. The two hours when Joseph W. Tkach, The Head Honcho of the Church, blew apart everything that I ever believed and accepted in the Church. And I do mean, everything.

Herbert Armstrong (LEFT) and Joseph Tkach (RIGHT)

It helps if you look at this in terms of a relationship. It was as if your spouse, who spent 20 years of your marriage presenting exactly the way she was, in full belief of you, took you aside, and in ten minutes told you she was living a double life, was getting a sex change, had a girlfriend for all of those 20 years, had three children you did not know, and oh, by the way - went and did things all the time she told you she hated. It was a shell-shocking blast worthy of Krakatoa.

Now, imagine if this person did this in a cold, calloused, unfeeling, like it or leave it matter, suddenly, without preparation - and told you this is how it was, without even a real, heartfelt, believable apology.

This is the impact. It was like your pastor, your minister, your link to salvation, walked up to you, pulled out a pair of pliers, and yanked out your teeth. No sedation, no drug, no warning. And then said, now you need to learn to eat properly. Have fun with it.

This church violated my sacred trust. It was a relationship. Abusive as it was, it was still a relationship. The extent of the damage of that day could not be measured until many, many years later, undergoing intensive and extensive de-programming therapy.

What do you do when a church violates your sacred trust then? Denominationally, or individually - what can you do? Is there even a way forward? How does one even know how to think? Or how to ever trust again?

I'm not a psychologist. I'm not an expert at how this all works. All I can do is tell you what I was.

I was angry. I was confused. I did not know what to think. And when I investigated further, I became more shocked to discover the truth about not only the church I trusted, but every other factual piece of truth that crumbled every conception I had about the organization that made my life what it was. I felt betrayed. Depression, sadness, and deeper shock set in with every piece of evidence that proved to me that things weren't what I thought they were.

This violation of trust opened my mind to discovering things I had never seen before. I had never noticed the extent of the carnal and horrid nature of Herbert Armstrong. I had never really known the extent of Garner Ted's double life of debauchery. I had never realized how the Co-Worker letters were nothing but fear-laden sales letters, or how hundreds on hundreds of prophecies failed, or how many lies were told to the children of the church by all levels of leadership. I never knew about the massive "ambassador extravagence", or the deceptions involved with financing the master plan of the College on one hand, and getting money by telling the church the world was going to end and give, give, give as a final push on the other hand. I never saw the "coincidences" that were not coincidences at all that fit every puzzle piece together. I never understood the incongruity of the entire farce, until it hit me as a slap in the face of what the church I was involved in actually was - a business, under the pretense of a church.

Not only was my trust violated - but my every perception of what I had lived in thrust me into having to rewire every conception of what I believed was truth. I had to literally rewire, and rethink every thing that I held dear, and try to make sense of the world around me with new eyes, and with new vision. I felt like an alien, stripped of all sense of knowing and reality. This, in conjunction with many other life-issues I will not go into here - was simply a hell hole from the ass of a dragon.

How is it that I was able to accept? To move on? To learn to live?

First - I had to understand that I did not order the circumstances that defined my life. I was not at fault for the things that made my life what it was. I was caught up in something that was completely beyond my control and my abilities. Blaming myself, or wallowing in a pity party for the cards I was dealt, was useless. What was, is what was, and it is, what it is. Period. This came very clear to me after I nearly lost my life due to my medical conditions.

The ability to learn to think logically was paramount. A peaceful scene helps. 

Second - I had to accept the things that I could not change. The serenity prayer is very, very useful and true. God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Third - I needed help. This was the hardest part. I could not do this on my own. This was beyond me and my faculties to handle. So I had to bite the bullet - and get the de-programming help that I needed. My life depended on it. I had to learn how to handle the anxiety and the stress that the environment fueled, so my heart would have a better chance of avoiding a fatal relapse.

Fourth - I had to realize that the church I grew up in was composed of imperfect people. I had to understand what I always sang... "Put your trust not in mortals, for in them is no help." I had personal, absolute, irrefutable evidence of the involvement of Jesus in my life. Without Him, and the way He managed the way things happened as only a Superior Intelligence could, I guarantee you I would be dead right now, at this minute.

Most importantly, and finally. I had to learn to forgive.

Forgiving Herbert Armstrong is important to do. It's a work in progress. (Envoy)

The Worldwide Church of God was a church that violated my trust. It took everything away from me. But the Worldwide Church of God was composed of imperfect people running a worldly organization in worldly ways. The true Church of God is spiritual - and is composed of people who are known by their fruits, not by physical signs - but by the spiritual recognition of love for one another. It was vital that I learned that to move forward, I had to forgive each and every one of them.

Let's be honest. Have I done so? Completely? Totally? Do you expect me to say yes? I can't. I'm still working on it. But that's the honest, truthful answer. I'm not angry anymore - I'm right now in a process of rehabilitation. But I am trying. And I'm not going to lie when my heart is telling me that absolute forgiveness hasn't happened yet - totally and completely. But I understand that it is something that I am striving for, and with the help of God, I will be able to, someday, and hopefully soon, be able to say to Herbert, and to Joe, and all the others in my mind, yes, I absolutely and wholeheartedly forgive you. Because until I can imagine looking at Herbert Armstrong in my minds' eye and embracing him with a forgiving hug, instead of blasting him with words and forcing him to hear my side until I'm done - I don't think I am there yet.

Dealing with when a Church violates your Sacred Trust takes time. And patience. And effort. But it is a process that cannot be ignored, or swept under the rug. It is a process you must take. And it is a process you must not take alone. In the multitude of council there is wisdom. Embrace it. Swallow your pride, and let others work with you to move forward.

It's definitely and absolutely worth the effort.