When a Church Violates Your Sacred Trust

I was born into a cult. Born in it.

This is important to understand in the context of this post.

Being born into a way of thinking - a mind-frame - is a way more potent form of indoctrination then making the choice to enter a cult after first being established in a former way of thinking. Of course, this is not the only factor into how intense the indoctrination is.

Other factors include the level of fear that the family shows on violating the doctrines of the cult, the level of adherence to all of the doctrines and expectations of the cult, and how receptive the person born into the cult actually is (the level of rebellion set pretty low.) In my case - the level of fear was at the top of the chain (out of my control, there were issues), the adherence level was borderline neurotic, and I was born with a trusting personality. All of this combined to create the perfect atmosphere for what I call Cultic Brainwashing Syndrome.

The trust factor was exponentially high for me.

The full and trusted, never-questioned authority in my mind, due to this high dose of toxic indoctrination, meant one thing in my mind: The word of the Minister WAS the word. In fact, I can remember staunchly defending the doctrines of the Church as far and as young as I can remember to anyone who would hear me, making me automatically the weirdo and the reject. (I'd even so far as VOLUNTEER the information to an unsuspecting Normal Person.) I fully expected the trumpet to sound, Christ to return, and eventually, we'd be sitting pretty ruling, and I'd finally get my own planet. MY very own planet to dictate to. I never took the time to imagine I could possibly be given a useless, impossible-to-develop, solid-less GAS planet, with the fiercest storms and most toxic atmosphere ever thought of - just full of hot air a place you'd never want to be. (Isn't this an apt description!)

When I grew older, and fully accepted the Armstrong dogmas, and was baptized, living my life in full assurance of Armstrongism (cognitive dissonance and all), my trust in the Church was violated in the space of two hours. The two hours when Joseph W. Tkach, The Head Honcho of the Church, blew apart everything that I ever believed and accepted in the Church. And I do mean, everything.

Herbert Armstrong (LEFT) and Joseph Tkach (RIGHT)

It helps if you look at this in terms of a relationship. It was as if your spouse, who spent 20 years of your marriage presenting exactly the way she was, in full belief of you, took you aside, and in ten minutes told you she was living a double life, was getting a sex change, had a girlfriend for all of those 20 years, had three children you did not know, and oh, by the way - went and did things all the time she told you she hated. It was a shell-shocking blast worthy of Krakatoa.

Now, imagine if this person did this in a cold, calloused, unfeeling, like it or leave it matter, suddenly, without preparation - and told you this is how it was, without even a real, heartfelt, believable apology.

This is the impact. It was like your pastor, your minister, your link to salvation, walked up to you, pulled out a pair of pliers, and yanked out your teeth. No sedation, no drug, no warning. And then said, now you need to learn to eat properly. Have fun with it.

This church violated my sacred trust. It was a relationship. Abusive as it was, it was still a relationship. The extent of the damage of that day could not be measured until many, many years later, undergoing intensive and extensive de-programming therapy.

What do you do when a church violates your sacred trust then? Denominationally, or individually - what can you do? Is there even a way forward? How does one even know how to think? Or how to ever trust again?

I'm not a psychologist. I'm not an expert at how this all works. All I can do is tell you what I was.

I was angry. I was confused. I did not know what to think. And when I investigated further, I became more shocked to discover the truth about not only the church I trusted, but every other factual piece of truth that crumbled every conception I had about the organization that made my life what it was. I felt betrayed. Depression, sadness, and deeper shock set in with every piece of evidence that proved to me that things weren't what I thought they were.

This violation of trust opened my mind to discovering things I had never seen before. I had never noticed the extent of the carnal and horrid nature of Herbert Armstrong. I had never really known the extent of Garner Ted's double life of debauchery. I had never realized how the Co-Worker letters were nothing but fear-laden sales letters, or how hundreds on hundreds of prophecies failed, or how many lies were told to the children of the church by all levels of leadership. I never knew about the massive "ambassador extravagence", or the deceptions involved with financing the master plan of the College on one hand, and getting money by telling the church the world was going to end and give, give, give as a final push on the other hand. I never saw the "coincidences" that were not coincidences at all that fit every puzzle piece together. I never understood the incongruity of the entire farce, until it hit me as a slap in the face of what the church I was involved in actually was - a business, under the pretense of a church.

Not only was my trust violated - but my every perception of what I had lived in thrust me into having to rewire every conception of what I believed was truth. I had to literally rewire, and rethink every thing that I held dear, and try to make sense of the world around me with new eyes, and with new vision. I felt like an alien, stripped of all sense of knowing and reality. This, in conjunction with many other life-issues I will not go into here - was simply a hell hole from the ass of a dragon.

How is it that I was able to accept? To move on? To learn to live?

First - I had to understand that I did not order the circumstances that defined my life. I was not at fault for the things that made my life what it was. I was caught up in something that was completely beyond my control and my abilities. Blaming myself, or wallowing in a pity party for the cards I was dealt, was useless. What was, is what was, and it is, what it is. Period. This came very clear to me after I nearly lost my life due to my medical conditions.

The ability to learn to think logically was paramount. A peaceful scene helps. 

Second - I had to accept the things that I could not change. The serenity prayer is very, very useful and true. God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Third - I needed help. This was the hardest part. I could not do this on my own. This was beyond me and my faculties to handle. So I had to bite the bullet - and get the de-programming help that I needed. My life depended on it. I had to learn how to handle the anxiety and the stress that the environment fueled, so my heart would have a better chance of avoiding a fatal relapse.

Fourth - I had to realize that the church I grew up in was composed of imperfect people. I had to understand what I always sang... "Put your trust not in mortals, for in them is no help." I had personal, absolute, irrefutable evidence of the involvement of Jesus in my life. Without Him, and the way He managed the way things happened as only a Superior Intelligence could, I guarantee you I would be dead right now, at this minute.

Most importantly, and finally. I had to learn to forgive.

Forgiving Herbert Armstrong is important to do. It's a work in progress. (Envoy)

The Worldwide Church of God was a church that violated my trust. It took everything away from me. But the Worldwide Church of God was composed of imperfect people running a worldly organization in worldly ways. The true Church of God is spiritual - and is composed of people who are known by their fruits, not by physical signs - but by the spiritual recognition of love for one another. It was vital that I learned that to move forward, I had to forgive each and every one of them.

Let's be honest. Have I done so? Completely? Totally? Do you expect me to say yes? I can't. I'm still working on it. But that's the honest, truthful answer. I'm not angry anymore - I'm right now in a process of rehabilitation. But I am trying. And I'm not going to lie when my heart is telling me that absolute forgiveness hasn't happened yet - totally and completely. But I understand that it is something that I am striving for, and with the help of God, I will be able to, someday, and hopefully soon, be able to say to Herbert, and to Joe, and all the others in my mind, yes, I absolutely and wholeheartedly forgive you. Because until I can imagine looking at Herbert Armstrong in my minds' eye and embracing him with a forgiving hug, instead of blasting him with words and forcing him to hear my side until I'm done - I don't think I am there yet.

Dealing with when a Church violates your Sacred Trust takes time. And patience. And effort. But it is a process that cannot be ignored, or swept under the rug. It is a process you must take. And it is a process you must not take alone. In the multitude of council there is wisdom. Embrace it. Swallow your pride, and let others work with you to move forward.

It's definitely and absolutely worth the effort.