When a Church Violates Your Sacred Trust

I was born into a cult. Born in it.

This is important to understand in the context of this post.

Being born into a way of thinking - a mind-frame - is a way more potent form of indoctrination then making the choice to enter a cult after first being established in a former way of thinking. Of course, this is not the only factor into how intense the indoctrination is.

Other factors include the level of fear that the family shows on violating the doctrines of the cult, the level of adherence to all of the doctrines and expectations of the cult, and how receptive the person born into the cult actually is (the level of rebellion set pretty low.) In my case - the level of fear was at the top of the chain (out of my control, there were issues), the adherence level was borderline neurotic, and I was born with a trusting personality. All of this combined to create the perfect atmosphere for what I call Cultic Brainwashing Syndrome.

The trust factor was exponentially high for me.

The full and trusted, never-questioned authority in my mind, due to this high dose of toxic indoctrination, meant one thing in my mind: The word of the Minister WAS the word. In fact, I can remember staunchly defending the doctrines of the Church as far and as young as I can remember to anyone who would hear me, making me automatically the weirdo and the reject. (I'd even so far as VOLUNTEER the information to an unsuspecting Normal Person.) I fully expected the trumpet to sound, Christ to return, and eventually, we'd be sitting pretty ruling, and I'd finally get my own planet. MY very own planet to dictate to. I never took the time to imagine I could possibly be given a useless, impossible-to-develop, solid-less GAS planet, with the fiercest storms and most toxic atmosphere ever thought of - just full of hot air a place you'd never want to be. (Isn't this an apt description!)

When I grew older, and fully accepted the Armstrong dogmas, and was baptized, living my life in full assurance of Armstrongism (cognitive dissonance and all), my trust in the Church was violated in the space of two hours. The two hours when Joseph W. Tkach, The Head Honcho of the Church, blew apart everything that I ever believed and accepted in the Church. And I do mean, everything.

Herbert Armstrong (LEFT) and Joseph Tkach (RIGHT)

It helps if you look at this in terms of a relationship. It was as if your spouse, who spent 20 years of your marriage presenting exactly the way she was, in full belief of you, took you aside, and in ten minutes told you she was living a double life, was getting a sex change, had a girlfriend for all of those 20 years, had three children you did not know, and oh, by the way - went and did things all the time she told you she hated. It was a shell-shocking blast worthy of Krakatoa.

Now, imagine if this person did this in a cold, calloused, unfeeling, like it or leave it matter, suddenly, without preparation - and told you this is how it was, without even a real, heartfelt, believable apology.

This is the impact. It was like your pastor, your minister, your link to salvation, walked up to you, pulled out a pair of pliers, and yanked out your teeth. No sedation, no drug, no warning. And then said, now you need to learn to eat properly. Have fun with it.

This church violated my sacred trust. It was a relationship. Abusive as it was, it was still a relationship. The extent of the damage of that day could not be measured until many, many years later, undergoing intensive and extensive de-programming therapy.

What do you do when a church violates your sacred trust then? Denominationally, or individually - what can you do? Is there even a way forward? How does one even know how to think? Or how to ever trust again?

I'm not a psychologist. I'm not an expert at how this all works. All I can do is tell you what I was.

I was angry. I was confused. I did not know what to think. And when I investigated further, I became more shocked to discover the truth about not only the church I trusted, but every other factual piece of truth that crumbled every conception I had about the organization that made my life what it was. I felt betrayed. Depression, sadness, and deeper shock set in with every piece of evidence that proved to me that things weren't what I thought they were.

This violation of trust opened my mind to discovering things I had never seen before. I had never noticed the extent of the carnal and horrid nature of Herbert Armstrong. I had never really known the extent of Garner Ted's double life of debauchery. I had never realized how the Co-Worker letters were nothing but fear-laden sales letters, or how hundreds on hundreds of prophecies failed, or how many lies were told to the children of the church by all levels of leadership. I never knew about the massive "ambassador extravagence", or the deceptions involved with financing the master plan of the College on one hand, and getting money by telling the church the world was going to end and give, give, give as a final push on the other hand. I never saw the "coincidences" that were not coincidences at all that fit every puzzle piece together. I never understood the incongruity of the entire farce, until it hit me as a slap in the face of what the church I was involved in actually was - a business, under the pretense of a church.

Not only was my trust violated - but my every perception of what I had lived in thrust me into having to rewire every conception of what I believed was truth. I had to literally rewire, and rethink every thing that I held dear, and try to make sense of the world around me with new eyes, and with new vision. I felt like an alien, stripped of all sense of knowing and reality. This, in conjunction with many other life-issues I will not go into here - was simply a hell hole from the ass of a dragon.

How is it that I was able to accept? To move on? To learn to live?

First - I had to understand that I did not order the circumstances that defined my life. I was not at fault for the things that made my life what it was. I was caught up in something that was completely beyond my control and my abilities. Blaming myself, or wallowing in a pity party for the cards I was dealt, was useless. What was, is what was, and it is, what it is. Period. This came very clear to me after I nearly lost my life due to my medical conditions.

The ability to learn to think logically was paramount. A peaceful scene helps. 

Second - I had to accept the things that I could not change. The serenity prayer is very, very useful and true. God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Third - I needed help. This was the hardest part. I could not do this on my own. This was beyond me and my faculties to handle. So I had to bite the bullet - and get the de-programming help that I needed. My life depended on it. I had to learn how to handle the anxiety and the stress that the environment fueled, so my heart would have a better chance of avoiding a fatal relapse.

Fourth - I had to realize that the church I grew up in was composed of imperfect people. I had to understand what I always sang... "Put your trust not in mortals, for in them is no help." I had personal, absolute, irrefutable evidence of the involvement of Jesus in my life. Without Him, and the way He managed the way things happened as only a Superior Intelligence could, I guarantee you I would be dead right now, at this minute.

Most importantly, and finally. I had to learn to forgive.

Forgiving Herbert Armstrong is important to do. It's a work in progress. (Envoy)

The Worldwide Church of God was a church that violated my trust. It took everything away from me. But the Worldwide Church of God was composed of imperfect people running a worldly organization in worldly ways. The true Church of God is spiritual - and is composed of people who are known by their fruits, not by physical signs - but by the spiritual recognition of love for one another. It was vital that I learned that to move forward, I had to forgive each and every one of them.

Let's be honest. Have I done so? Completely? Totally? Do you expect me to say yes? I can't. I'm still working on it. But that's the honest, truthful answer. I'm not angry anymore - I'm right now in a process of rehabilitation. But I am trying. And I'm not going to lie when my heart is telling me that absolute forgiveness hasn't happened yet - totally and completely. But I understand that it is something that I am striving for, and with the help of God, I will be able to, someday, and hopefully soon, be able to say to Herbert, and to Joe, and all the others in my mind, yes, I absolutely and wholeheartedly forgive you. Because until I can imagine looking at Herbert Armstrong in my minds' eye and embracing him with a forgiving hug, instead of blasting him with words and forcing him to hear my side until I'm done - I don't think I am there yet.

Dealing with when a Church violates your Sacred Trust takes time. And patience. And effort. But it is a process that cannot be ignored, or swept under the rug. It is a process you must take. And it is a process you must not take alone. In the multitude of council there is wisdom. Embrace it. Swallow your pride, and let others work with you to move forward.

It's definitely and absolutely worth the effort.

Relaxing With the Enhancement of the Water Effect

I am very fortunate to live near a large body of water. For one who has dealt with anxiety for the entirety of life since toddlerhood - I'm grateful.

Truthfully, There is really nothing quite as calming as sitting near the shore, hearing the waves lapping against the sand and the beach, and looking out to see blue literally as far as you can see. The warm sun cascades upon you, the breeeze laps at your face. It is the best thing that you can do if you are stressed, anxious, or are feeling like you need a calm moment.

It's been proven the color blue does do something to calm the nerves of a person. It's almost as if it is a natural tranquilizer. The effect takes you away from the worries at hand, and into a sea of the most calm inner tranquility that can last for hours.

I thought I'd take a moment to share something that has worked for me when I absolutely need relaxation. 

One of the things that has really worked when managing stress is deep breathing. Calm, deep breathing is so effective in focusing the mind - and being mindful of where you stand on the emotion vs. logic scale.

If you are so fortunate to live near a great body of water, try this sometime:

Sit near the body of water, and clear your thoughts. Really clear your thoughts. If you feel other thoughts try to sneak in, be aware of this and try again.

Breathe in as deep as you can, focusing only on your breathing.

Then breathe out, again, focusing only on your breathing.

Do this about ten times or so, staring out into the deep blue of the body of water you are near. Listen to the waves, the surf, and the birds. Concentrate only on your breathing and on looking out into the sea. You will feel yourself flowing into a natural state of relaxation and tranquility. It's an amazing feeling that will help. If you don't have s large body of water around you where you live, find a nice park to sit in where it's really quiet, that has a pond - or a nice lake.

Then once calm, remember to think logically. Think of not the things that could be, but the things that are. Think of not the things that could happen, only concentrate on the present - what really exists right now. One of the biggest problems of chronic anxious people and worriers is giving in to the "what if's". I have learned that "What if's" hardly ever become reality in the way one envisions it.

As Jesus said, "Do not worry about tomorrow. For sufficient for today is it's own trouble."

Taking things day by day logically, and by exercising calming practices, can really help. And the blue, clear waters will only soothe you even more, and cause you to feel more refreshed, no matter the situation that ails you. It's helped me. I hope it may help you when you need to find a moment. If you have a method of relaxation that works for you, please comment below.

As the saying goes.

Keep calm, and carry on. 

Cult Recovery Lesson: I have the Right to be Treated with Dignity and Respect

 This is the second installment of a series on "Basic Rights" by the Blog Owner.

Dignity and Respect. 

These two words seem like something that should be a "basic right", correct?

When you go to a place of worship for spiritual nourishment, you would think it is second nature to be treated with Dignity - and with respect - from those who purport to be your spiritual leaders, wouldn't you? Unfortunately - at least, from my experience, and from the reports of many others who grew up in my environment - this was not the case.

Dignity is defined as "the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect."

Respect is defined as "a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements."

As a member of the Cult that I grew up in, again, the Worldwide Church of God - I felt neither dignified, or respected.

As I mentioned in my previous post - we did have a duty of conforming. We also had a duty to pray for our leader, and to go to church, and to give our tithes and offerings. Any notion that a minister was bound to treat us with dignity and respect was entirely contingent on the condition that we adhere to the rules of the Church and are obedient to the rule of their authority over us. In short, dignity and respect were absolutely conditional on our obedience to every decision made by the minister in subjection to "the Government of God."

In order to conform us to "the Government" - our dignity was consistently degraded. Any "worth" of honor or respect was only contingent on how well we obeyed their commands.

There were articles written, and sent to the membership - that literally blasted us with every single thing we were doing wrong- regardless of how petty. From the way we cut our hair, to the way we washed our hair. From the clothes we bought, to the way we shook hands with another. From the words we used, to the way we sat. Everything we did was under constant and thorough critique. "Living up to the expectations" was a way of life - and part of our quest and journey to "overcoming" while "Recapturing True Values".

In summary - the way we were was not good enough. We were not entitled to dignity, nor were we entitled to respect the way we were. In the words of one of the leaders - unless we acknowledge how putrid we were (and he used about twelve other demeaning adjectives along with putrid), and abhorred ourselves - we were not fit to become members of the Church. This man set an example to those who trained below him to squelch any attempt of dignity and respect until they conform to the standards expected of them.

In a personal experience - I once asked a minister many years later why I was subject to the treatment that he gave me, personally - as a youth. The answer he gave me was that I was not meeting the standards that were expected of the youth by the denominational leaders of the Church - he was basically following orders. This answer told me everything I needed to know. That in the cult, dignity and respect are not human rights - but only earned by completing the objectives of mind control.

The notion that we have the RIGHT to be treated with dignity, and with respect, was a foreign concept at it's introduction. But it's true.

I have had to learn that I am a person, an individual, unique and different. I do not have to conform to any particular standards except for those I have made the personal decision to hold dear to - it is my decision, and between me, and my God. I have the right to be treated with dignity and with respect - and those who I encounter also have the exact same rights - to be treated with both dignity, and respect.

This is regardless of whether one is male, or female, or black, or white, or Christian, or atheist, or whatever they believe or however they act. Their choices in life do not give me the right to treat a person cruelly, or inhumanely, or as if they are worthless, or as if they are le then the person that they are. Their choices in life are between them and their higher power - and the responsibility of how I treat them shifts to me if I devoid them of dignity and respect.

It is not my job as a Christian to impose on them my standards, or my beliefs, or my opinions, and MOST of all - my judgment. I have learned the only job I have is to be the reflection of the standards that I claim to represent. The standards of dignity, and the standards of respect - two basic rights I was never believing that I had - but now know that I do.



Basic rights are adapted from The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Eugene Bourne (Oakland, CA: New Harbringer Publications, 1995)

Cult Recovery Lesson: We Have the Right to have our own Thoughts and Opinions.

This is the beginning of a series on "Basic Rights" - from a cult survivor. 

Healthy relationships are as much an important part of life between a church and it's congregant as a husband to a wife, a friend to a friend, a worker to a worker, and pretty much any social activity you can think of.

In the cult environment I was a part of for decades, the right to healthy relationships was thrown to the curb for the cult's "right" to your income, your mind, and your heart. There was no common sense to "healthy" relationships. The only relationships allowed were arranged relationships - only allowed within the confines of the cult, under the supervision of the ministry, and furthered only on the approval of the local leader. Any prospect of a "normal" relationship was immediately quenched - no person of "the world" could ever be "evenly yoked" with us culties.

According to "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbood" by Eugene Bourne (Oakland, CA: New Harbringer Publications, 1995), people have 26 basic rights that are a human right. They aren't questionable - they're what makes living abundantly possible. The "right" that I choose to focus on for this post is:

• The right to have my own thoughts and opinions. 

The cult that I was a part of, the Worldwide Church of God, did not agree with this. It's founder, Herbert W. Armstrong, did not agree with this either. He would often preach that everyone must be "thinking the same thing", and all of "one mind, and one body". Any attempt to voice any different thought or opinion would be immediately shut down by a vast network of interior member-spies who would report any attempts at personal opinion or "division" to Headquarters - who would in turn contact the local leader and subsequently "put them out" of the Church - ex-communication.

We were taught not to have our own thoughts, or our own opinions. Our standards, our behaviors, our actions were carefully and thoroughly regulated as if we were one vast collective being programmed by one leading person. This went so far as to inform us of not only what to eat - but how to eat it, how to prepare it, how to bake it, and so on and so forth. There was even an article that spent two paragraphs on if it was okay to drink milk or not.

It is not an exaggeration to state that it went far beyond just what we ate and did not eat. We lost our "rights" on our thoughts and opinions about every doctrine ever taught from the pulpit. According to the leadership of the Church, as outlined in several articles to the members of the church, those outside of the church were encouraged to listen to the mantra "Don't believe me, believe your Bible." However, once they were "in" the Church, and baptized as a member, that phrase was not intended for them. They were to believe every word of the minister as anointed and directed as if it was from Jesus Christ himself. Our right to self-evaluation, interpretaton, and opinion was dunked the moment we were accepted into the Church as a tithe-paying, and praying, and attending member.

The concept that we as humanity have "the right to our own thoughts and opinions" to me was a strange concept - an unusual concept. This flew in the face of every aspect of training and teaching that I ever listened to. My entire job as a member of the Church was to conform - to be accepted by meeting a certain and particular set of standards. My entire task was to listen - to absorb - to "overcome". Our definition of overcoming? Becoming more and more like the expectation of what we were intended to be. And in our training - believe it or not - that expectation was - I kid you not - to be God. And our example of who God was like was the leader of our cult - Herbert W. armstrong.

To have our own thoughts. This was a tough one - because the minute that you allowed your "own" thought to creep in, we were taught that this was not "our" thought, but a "Demonic" thought. Let me give you an example.

We believed in the cult that observing holidays like Easter and Christmas were pagan, evil, and of the dark side. If a thought was to creep in like "I really wish I could be with the family on Christmas this year", we would immediately think of this thought as an implanted thought from an evil spirit. Therefore - we would immediately squelch and silence our own thoughts because of our belief that it was an evil thought.

Another example: We were commanded to give up to 30% of our income to, or for, the uses and purposes of the Church. If we were to have a thought like "I really can't afford food this month, because we're paying the tithes", it would be immediately classified as a "bad thought" from the dark side, because it was a thought that was "intended to cause disobedience to God." The side effect of this?

Every thought of our own was considered demonic that disagreed with the thoughts that conformed with the teaching of the Church.

This mind-conditioning was a never-ending battle.

Whenever we began to think "Our Own Thoughts" - we would think that they were NOT "our" thoughts, but the thoughts from a bad entity. I do not believe it is an exaggeration to say that because of this mind-conditioning, many of us simply chose to "stop" thinking - and just let the minister "handle" the decision to avoid the constant interruptions from that darn evil spirit that dared have us think on our own.

It took a long time to realize a simple fact:

We have brains that are to be used. We have minds. We have the ability, and the right, to think - to make decisions - and the responsibility to do so for the sake of those we are always around and interact with. We do have the right to have our own thoughts and our own opinions. It is the only way to begin to grow, and mature, and become responsible for ourselves and our families.

If there's food that needs to be in the house to feed the family, then we have the right to make that decision - that food comes first to feed the family.

If there are clothes that need to be bought to clothe the family, then we have the right to make that decision - that clothes need to be purchased to clothe the family.

If there are bills that need to be paid - then we have the right to pay the bills and do the responsible thing - no matter what we are being told by those who wish to commandeer our income. 

The cult I grew up in, with wild abandon, removed responsibility and attempted to mold us into their image as our spiritual parents - stunting our emotional growth, and making us perpetual children, incapable of making our own decisions - at least for those of us who were all in on the cult mentality.

Let the shackles fall and the chains be broken!