The Legacy of Church of God "Ministers" and Deception.

Power.

It's quite the word in the Churches of God, because those in charge have had a lot of it.

Add money in, and you've got a narcisist's dream job.

Then add supposed divine authority - and you are a god.

That's the long and short of the story of the ministers in the Churches of God, who for over 70 years have convinced good-hearted and well meaning people that they are the inheritors of supreme authority on the basis of a supposition of the inheritance of diving power through top-down ordination. And when people buy into that belief, there's little - if anything - that you can say, or do, that they won't believe is right.

That has been the story in the Churches of God ever since Herbert Armstrong began his vain, narcissistic scheme of self-interpretation of religion for the furtherance of his financial empire and worldly success. It has been a story that Herbert's hirelings have written over and over again - with tragic mental and physical results.

Not every one of these people - named "Ministers" of varying rank and title - have taken advantage of members in various ways as many have. But those that have taken advantage of members for their own benefit, either personally or corporately - have done so vigorously, unashamedly, and forcefully, as they personally have benefited from their perceived deceptive power plays. From the beginning, it has been the minister who has been served by those they have been entrusted to serve. It has been a culture of privilege, superiority, arrogance, pomposity, and hubris that had encompassed their entire lives - all enabled and created by the headquarters corporate who developed a system that rewarded them for their heavy-handedness towards those who they were entrusted to spiritually develop.

From the beginning, the "ministers" who were ordained into full-time ministry into the Church were given "the Good Life". At the peak of their financial prosperity, due to conning the members to believe they were required to give 30 percent or more of their income to the Church, they were given handsome salaries, expense accounts, for a time utility expense, parsonage credit, a fleet car - and that's just financially. They also - well, many of them - used the members of the Church as personal slaves - car washers, lawn mowers, movers, or anything else that the members were willing to do. And their "work"? Many of them in some areas really did not have much to "do" during the week! Prospective member visits were low, visitations were not always required, the occasional wedding and/or funeral, and a whole week to write a sermon or sermonette. Those who did have large congregations and were constantly busy had high expectations - and were sometimes the most brutal with their unrealistic and supposed authority that they pounded home was, according to them, from God.

They also had the full backing of their boss, Herbert Armstrong, when it came to disputes or claims of malpractice. Herbert Armstrong had a policy of always believing the minister's word over the members' claim - and let that be known specifically - if there was no specific evidence against the minister. The weight of that kind of backing was something the ministers knew and wielded well, in many cases.

And then there was the belief of absolute divine authority, which many ministers claimed they inherited via ordination - and the belief that their every decision was through the guiding ministry of a higher portion of the Spirit of God within them. From the very smallest to the very largest decisions, such a mindset and belief caused a co-dependency from member to minister that was just as powerful as the dependency from a son or daughter to a parent. The difference between this child to parent relationship and a member to minister relationship? The parent-child relationship was temporary until adulthood. The member-minister relationship was eternal. In short, the members were never permitted to grow up.

The ministerial dominance of supposed authority extended well into the realms of discipline, as any rebellion, slacking, without full support, or disobedience in any way shape or form could result in not only extreme physical consequences (losing friends, even family, isolation and rejection, as well as separation from Church, either temporarily or permanently) but also spiritual consequences (loss of salvation, condemnation, rejection from the Kingdom, and being thrown into eternal cessation via being burned in the Lake of Fire). Some of these "ministers" fully abused such a belief that they had such supernatural, God-ordained powers to the order of complete oppression of their members, and fully hijacking every decision that members ever made in their lives in many cases. This was not the case with all of them, or all of the members. But it did happen. And it did happen often.

All of this of course created an atmosphere of excessive pride and arrogance within the ministry that they created their own super-culture that was far and above beyond the normal clique. It was a culture that created special seating, and roped-off areas. It was a culture of higher living that in many cases the regular member was not invited to nor ever could know. It was a culture of "We are better than you,and you well better know it." It was a culture of posh, arrogant hubris and superiority. It was a culture of superiority based on rank and position and power. They were them, you were you, and you better follow the rules, or you, who were next to nothing, will be nothing. This was the message sent and widely received by many.

Your expectations, spiritually and physically, within the dominant sphere of the minister's supposed authority, were both excessive and exhaustive. Submission to not only the rules and regulations required by the doctrines and dogmas of the Church's spiritual interpretations, and the rules and regulations of the local Church as interpreted and enforced by the pastor, dominated every aspect of the life of the member, the member's family, and all areas within. Personal decisions were expected to be ran by the pastor in cases of job, marriage, dating, finance, personal issues, sex, school, friendships, Church attendance, Church social lives, and all issues related to "the world" as to what was proper and what was not, including birthdays, holidays, events, gatherings, sports, and overall life, including what to wear, music, child-rearing, child discipline, and a host of other subjects that you were not "smart enough" to know on your own what was or what was not appropriate or expected of you. Your adherence to expectations was constantly analyzed, judged, disciplined, and reported to superiors on a constant basis. You were judged on your masculinity, your femininity, your handshake, your hair length, your dress, your suit, your communicative style, your personality, your macho or manliness, or your ability as a homemaker or wife. The minister's power within the marriage was nearly absolute when it came to marriage counsel - and for some decades, broke up or dissolved marriages based on their own interpretive judgements of what defined adultery. Make no mistake - lives were under, in many cases, the complete dominance and power and authority of the Minister, the one whom was Greatly to Be Feared.

This was the power they had - the power of deception. This deception was enabled by fear, first and foremost. Fear of God's Punishing Power. Fear of the Minister. Fear of the Church. Fear of Disobeying, and lastly but certainly not least - the Fear of Discipline up to and including dis-fellowshipment.

Once you had invested your whole life into the controlling powers of the system - who controlled your life in every way - who could ruin your entire life in one letter of disfellowshipment - or one order to quit your job - or one order to leave your spouse - or to reject a family member in some recent cases - you resigned yourself to their will. You resigned yourself to just obey them, because the consequences would be rougher than if you lose your entire social system. That power over the social system that the Church wielded was, and is, the biggest shackle and chains that grab onto and hold a member under their thumbs. The minister sits on them with that power with the full weight of a 400-lb tablet of stone. If they leave, they lose. If they leave, they fear. They believe it's the end.

Tragically, because of that belief, many have simply given up, fallen into depression, anxiety, hopelessness, and some have committed suicide according to many reports. This is the tragic results of drunk on power charlatans who have abused members emotionally and spiritually for far, far too long.

Those who have been abused sometimes do not think it's really that bad because they're used to it. They believe what's out there is far worse than what's "in there". They believe that what they have experienced for decades, is normal. They believe this because that's what they've been told to believe. They have been lied to, deceived, and had have their minds stolen, and many have lost the capacity to live on their own or even make the most basic decisions without help. All the while, their pastor and corporate church rake in their income, their assets, their estates, and their lives because of the love of sordid gain and the lust of mammon and riches. Their cold, calloused assault on the well being of their members is excused and rationalized away with the belief and statements that "Their donations and acceptance of the doctrines is voluntary" and no one is forced to do anything.

Of course, that's a lie.

When you threaten their eternal salvation because they aren't doing what you tell them to do. When you threaten their eternal salvation because they don't submit to your authority or every order. When you threaten their eternal salvation because they are not giving you the required donation. When you threaten their eternal salvation because they have failed in every expectation handed down from on high. And not just their eternal salvation, but their family's well being? Their jobs? Their social lives? Their marriage? Their everything? And you make the dastardly excuse that it's "voluntary"? There's nothing voluntary about it. You've deceived yourself into thinking you are doing nothing wrong.

And the well-intended, good hearted members who simply just want to do what they believe God has said for them to do end up in  system of bondage and chains - thinking in full belief right is wrong, and wrong is right. The results are tragic.

The entire concept of ministry is to serve. The entire concept of ministry is to help those who are Christ's as a supporter, an encourager, a defender, and a protector - not an abuser, a parent, a fraudster, a charlatan, a scammer, a conner, or a robber. The entire concept of ministry is humility, not pride. The entire concept of ministry is not based on money or assets or estate, but on the spiritual health and well-being of the member. The entire concept of ministry is growing in the grace and knowledge of Jesus Christ - not the wallet, not mammon, not money, not corporate. The entire concept of ministry is not rooted in wickedness, or pride - and most of all, the entire concept of ministry is not rooted in abuse of a member. Whether that abuse is emotional, mental, physical, or developmental - abuse is abuse. And the truth is, the COG's have miserably failed as a whole in not only failing to stop abuse within the churches - but enable it, in the name of greed and presumptuous gain.

Those ministers who truly are ministering are out there - the few, and the faithful. The other ministers? The so-called ministers who have trashed everything Jesus Christ stands for - who puke and vomit on God's Word? The ones who got rich by making the poor poorer? The ones who idiotically stand in their pulpits enthralled in the stink and filth of their vomit-stained words, nauseating those who are shackled with their putrid arrogance? They aren't ministers.

They're a disgrace.

The members who are in bondage can regain control. They can regain their lives. They can be set free. They can live again. They can recover. But they can only do it through and by the power of the Living Jesus Christ. It is my prayer that through prayer, they can live again, and be set free.

Mental Illness and Armstrongism: Five-Alarm Crisis

The Exit and Support Network and Banned by HWA have again, sadly, reported on yet another tragic suicide in the Philadelphia Church of God cult. I would say I'm shocked. But I'm not. This is not the first time this has happened with this particular end-times cult. This is not the first time this has happened within Armstrongism itself. 

My condolences are with the family that has been shattered by this latest crisis. Exit and Support and Banned By HWA - Linked above - posted the following from the husband of the victim: 

After being kicked out of her congregation when she needed them, the most was too much for her to bare. This most precious of women left a husband, 3 kids, and 3 grandchildren, in tears and disbelief. Flurry's dictatorship style teaching falsehoods of God’s word pushed this beautiful wife and mother to her grave.

 There is absolutely no excuse. There is absolutely nothing that can be said in the defense of PCG for this. It is a shameful and horrifying example of the effects of Armstrongism that has permanently altered the course of one family. They cannot bring the victim back. 

The policies, the cold, harsh treatment - the loveless attitudes and the chilling, destructive, cultish love of authority that dictate the behaviors of Armstrongism in so many ways produce the exact conditions that fuel the explosive growth of mental illness of all forms within Armstrongism. From severe depression, to anxiety, to debilitating stress - to fostering the stunting of the normal growth and development of emotional maturity - to teaching and promoting the ignorance of basic medical care in some groups - all in the name of God in the promotion of their sick, twisted and distorted philosophies that have caused so much harm - the full spectrum of emotional and spiritual abuse has affected thousands within the 60-plus years of the cult of Armstrongism, based on the repugnant and destructive false interpretation of the Gospel. This is a five-alarm crisis that should sound every siren and ring every bell among those who have experienced and are experiencing, or have family and relatives who are involved within the confines of the prison of Armstrongism. 

The spiritual and the mental abuse to the victims must be exposed. The victims must be treated. The truth will set them free. 

No one is immune. From the smallest symptoms to the greatest manifestations - the harm of Armstrongism has affected, in some way,everyone who has been impacted with Armstrongism. From the financially crippling policies that induce stress. From the separating of friends and families by the emphasis on exclusivity - to the destructive diatribes and falsely corrective, spiritually reprobate messages - all the way to the cover-ups and support of crime and abuse - the impact reverberates with wave after wave of emotional damage. 

Mental illness has been amplified, magnified, and intensified exponentially inside Armstrongism by the corrupt and satanic policies within the cults. If ever there was a need for the victims inside who are shackled and chained inside their prison of false belief and condemnation by illegitimate "ministers" - who are actually wolves in the clothing of sheep - it is now. 

I am a strong advocate of behavioral health. I know where I am speaking from. Due to being raised in an extreme fundamentalist family deeply entrenched in Armstrongism, I have received and am receiving extensive de-programming treatment in the recovery of the effects of Armstrongism in my life. Stop the Stigma! It is OK to say you need help! It is OK to get help! There is no need for any more victims. There is no need or people to go through the spiritual abuse and the pain that is happening within the families who are needlessly being harmed mentally and spiritually by such wickedness. These people need to know they have a voice. That they have a reason for being, and for living. That they do have certain rights - the biggest one being support, friends, and the basic rights of humanity. They need to know they can overcome their depression and anxiety. And that they can overcome the harmful influence of those who oppose the love of God and the peace of God in their lives - that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. They need more than anything to know four simple words. 

They are NOT alone. 

If you are reading this right now, and you are in Armstrongism, and you feel absolutely defeated, depressed, discouraged, sad and hopeless - that you don't know where to go or what to do - I strongly plead and urge you to contact a behavioral health expert from your city or your state - and someone you fully trust or had trusted before you entered Armstrongism - and GET HELP NOW. There are people who will help you. There are people who will support you. And above all - do not go it alone. You and your life are precious to God. And it is time to break free and set your life on the right track again. 

You DO have a voice. You DO have a right. Don't let these cults chain you with their deception. The truth will set you free! 

The Exit and Support Network has extensive links to help you out of your Armstrongism experience. Go there today. 

For God so loved the world that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. (John 3:16)

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8)

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. (2 Cor 3:17)

The Alternative Thinking of the Children of the Cults

The effects of alternative thinking on the lives of young people has been one of the most extensive influences on my life as part of an end-time doomsday cult. One instance that came to mind this morning finally linked to the intensive research into my past to figure out exactly where I came from, fully what I was a part of, as steps of healing in my ongoing journey of de-programming and cult recovery.

There was a season in my young life as a second and third grader that, for whatever reason, I had to convince my classmates that I had supernatural abilities that I did not have. For many of the classmates, it simply did not work. But for one, it did work. It validated my "powers" and my "abilities".

One might consider this perfectly normal for the imagination of a small child in his first years of primary school. Imagine the kid pretending to be Superman, jumping off a small rock and "flying" all the way across the back yard. Or the small child on his tricycle, imagining he's zooming in and out of asteroids on a "star trek" through the neighborhood's church parking lot. Those are the imaginations at work - healthy and part of a brain's natural development.

In my environment, I was taught "not" to engage in "pretend" - or unrealistic imaginations on paper, like coloring the sky purple or the grass red. "pretending" was wrong - as wrong as reading fiction, or listening to different varieties of music. Adherance to realism was paramount. Pretending was to engage in a lie. And lying, after all, was a sin. My family took Armstrongism literally, and seriously.

Enter in the belief system that I had as a child, directly from all of my information sources. I was told I was in training to be God. I was told I would get my own planet. I was told this would happen in just a few years (I didn't quite grasp the fact that my parents were the ones to be converted into a spirtual superpower, and I had to remain on Earth because I was not baptized - this happened a little bit later.) Of course, I was also fully indoctrinated with the whole mother-load of Armstrongism dogma, including the Bible Story imagery from Basil Wolverton. Those who were a part of the cult, or take the time to study into it, can get a good grasp of what that contained.

The difference between the young child pretending on the street - and what my episode in elementary school was - is a matter of belief.

The young child playing superman understood the difference between "pretending" to be Superman, and the thought of actually becoming Superman. It was play, and pretend-time. Once the young child was done "pretending", the mind switched to the next event - peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and a glass of milk before running out the door for a full afternoon of more playtime (in the summertime, of course).

The young me believed what he was told. He was going to be God. He was going to have powers and his own planet. He was excited that in a few years, he was going to be one of the pioneers of the Wonderful World Tomorrow. And in the next year or two, our going home from the Feast would be the last physical Feast we would ever experience. For me, this was not pretend. This was real life. It was going to happen. Herbert W. Armstrong said so. And what he said was reality.

I thought of myself as superior to the other children - a higher standard. I thought of myself as different and set apart. I had to set the example. I had to be as perfect as I could possibly be, because I did not want to make my parents, or God, mad at me.

I had spent decades wondering exactly why I acted in the way I did back in the second and the third grade. I attributed everything to an overactive imagination - a normal part of growing up. However, when you have an intentionally stifled imagination and a grounding from pretending - and then actual imagination turned into an alternative "reality" - then you've got a very messed up and abnormal psyche and way of developing as a child. Add on to that weekly meetings of fiction turned into an alternative reality - and again - you're just feeding the brain delusions.

This is one reason how the Church is responsible for the psychological harm and abuse of the children of the Church - from Herbert Armstrong to the ministry to the regular people to their children - weaving a wave of deception from the top down with pure goals of self-centered greed. The methods that Armstrongism used to infiltrate it's members with alternative facts - blatant misuse of mind conditioning and cult psychology to achieve an agenda - were criminal.

I know that those in Armstrongism will turn right around and say that that's what "the World" always does, with teaching about Santa and the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy. These things that we were taught were not fairy tale stories that you grew out of. These thngs that we were taught were not metaphors such as puppets and Sesame Street that teach a lesson and are understood as people grew older and could understand the concepts as an adult. These were beliefs that stuck with you and were reinforced week after week, and year after year. No child grows up to believe Santa is real, or that the Easter Bunny will hop around when you are 30. Those in Armstrongism built a whole religion on one man's fairy tale of becoming Gods and rulers in a universal real estate development program and ruling the whole agri-centric world based on a wholly racist and wholly physical interpretation of the plan of God - where people to this day still believe it, and mess up their children's lives to this day in the process.

Not only do I talk about this for my personal healing - but to show others how whacked and how deep of a con-job the whole mess was, and what it did to the psyche, the imagination, the centers of logic and reasoning, and the faith and belief of God himself. It is incumbent on those who were and have been a part of the entire scam to realize the depth of the deepness of the cancer of Armstrongism, that metastasized itself to delusional psychosis in the worldviews of so many.

Using Logic-Mindfulness to Help Heal from Emotional Abuse

Thinking Logically can Help Heal Wounds

If there's one thing that provokes deep emotion - it's the bully.

Unfortunately, bullying seems to start as soon as a person begins to integrate with society. And many times, the reason is very, very simple: The victim of the bully is somehow perceived as different.

Maybe the young person stands out because of what that individual is not. Perhaps that individual is uncoordinated, or un-athletic. Perhaps that individual has poor eyesight, or hearing. Perhaps that person has an impediment, or a disability. Regardless of the reason, the bully feels the need to use their appearance of superiority to enhance themselves and diminish the other person. It's emotional - regardless of the amount of negativity, it's rooted deeply in emotion.

Bullying is not confined to children, however. Bullying can ,and does, happen in colleges, at work, in homes, in public places - wherever there are people, there's bound to be a bully. And the end results are always the same: Discouragement, Retraction, Isolation, loss of confidence, and avoidance. And invariably, you begin to forget the good things you are, or simply not believe the good things you are,  and only concentrate on the bad things that you are, which leads to a very, very skewed perception of your reality that changes who you are, and eats at you little by little, like a slowly growing cancer.

I was a bully victim in my youth, be cause I was different - and by the very people that were supposed to be the ones you'd think you could trust not to be bullies. I'm talking about the kids of the Church.

Not that they did not have "good reason". My clothes were different, coming from a poor family. My athleticism was nearly non-existent, since I was in non-traditional education. My behavior was non-conformed, because of a great deal of time away from church. In short, I did not fit the mold. I did not "cut the cheese". I did not make the grade to get into the cliques of youthfulness, where acceptance and coolness are everything, and maturity and wisdom are literally non-existent. It's never a good feeling to be the target of any form of bullying.

What a bully says to you does not define you. It does not validate their beliefs. And more than anything, it does not determine who you are, or what you can or cannot accomplish. A bully runs on emotion, who has not learned yet the skills of being logic-minded. And because their analysis of "you" is not logical, it's not "logical" that their opinion of you is truth.

 Using the skills I have learned, the reality of what I went through in the Church with bullies is this:

I was raised and born in a cult environment. That's a fact.

I was not the only one messed up. That's a huge fact. A lot of problems were brought on by the doctrines themselves, and the result of buying into those doctrines and how it affected entire families.

Nearly everyone, in some degree or another, was as messed up as I was. Even the most liberal of the families. We all had our issues. We all had our problems. We all had our struggles. And we all had our own methods to deal with what we went through. Because we all were in the same authoritive, dictatorial way of life which rejected so much of what living is about, and separating ourselves from just about everybody except for those just like us - how could we be expected to not have difficulties? To think I was the only one who was different than the others just couldn't be the case. Once every one of us went into "the world" into school or into work, it didn't matter who we were. Each of us were the oddball. Each of us were the one kid who didn't keep Christmas, or Easter - or participate in any "worldly" thing, or were kept home from Friday night or Saturday activities. Each of us were the different one. Every one of us was the target. And when we all met together at church - the misplaced anger from their experiences was then targeted to the weakest of the church group. In short, we all went through it. This doesn't excuse them, or any bully. But it does help to understand the emotions that were hidden in all of us.

There are causes for every situation, and logical explanations for every question. And thinking back, using logical mindfulness, instead of emotion-driven butt-hurt, can lead to discoveries that pop out that emotion can be quick to consume. If we can get past the emotions that consumed us with the things that have hurt us so much in the past, and look at things with logical-mindfulness, the only effect can be realizations that will help you see things in a new perspective, that can only benefit with healing and recovery.

When you use logical mindfulness to those moments that brought you the most hurt, it can help a great deal to cope with those who haven't yet mastered the skill of the resource of logic-mindfulness, as you put yourself in their shoes, and realize that the root cause of their behavior isn't because you are who you are - it's because they have not accepted and do not like who they are, and using you as a target of their own insecurities.

The ever hurtful people I remember were such ornery, cantankerous kids in the youth group of my past are all grown up now, with children, and some with even grandchildren. There is truth to the phrase "this too, shall pass". To everything there is a season. And regardless of the paths that we have taken in life, nothing can change the way that it was. The only thing I can change is what i do with the memories I hold with me today, and the life that I have in the years to come. And using the tools of logic-mindfulness in the way I address the past, and the ability to change the future, there's progress, a little at a time.

When a Church Violates Your Sacred Trust

I was born into a cult. Born in it.

This is important to understand in the context of this post.

Being born into a way of thinking - a mind-frame - is a way more potent form of indoctrination then making the choice to enter a cult after first being established in a former way of thinking. Of course, this is not the only factor into how intense the indoctrination is.

Other factors include the level of fear that the family shows on violating the doctrines of the cult, the level of adherence to all of the doctrines and expectations of the cult, and how receptive the person born into the cult actually is (the level of rebellion set pretty low.) In my case - the level of fear was at the top of the chain (out of my control, there were issues), the adherence level was borderline neurotic, and I was born with a trusting personality. All of this combined to create the perfect atmosphere for what I call Cultic Brainwashing Syndrome.

The trust factor was exponentially high for me.

The full and trusted, never-questioned authority in my mind, due to this high dose of toxic indoctrination, meant one thing in my mind: The word of the Minister WAS the word. In fact, I can remember staunchly defending the doctrines of the Church as far and as young as I can remember to anyone who would hear me, making me automatically the weirdo and the reject. (I'd even so far as VOLUNTEER the information to an unsuspecting Normal Person.) I fully expected the trumpet to sound, Christ to return, and eventually, we'd be sitting pretty ruling, and I'd finally get my own planet. MY very own planet to dictate to. I never took the time to imagine I could possibly be given a useless, impossible-to-develop, solid-less GAS planet, with the fiercest storms and most toxic atmosphere ever thought of - just full of hot air a place you'd never want to be. (Isn't this an apt description!)

When I grew older, and fully accepted the Armstrong dogmas, and was baptized, living my life in full assurance of Armstrongism (cognitive dissonance and all), my trust in the Church was violated in the space of two hours. The two hours when Joseph W. Tkach, The Head Honcho of the Church, blew apart everything that I ever believed and accepted in the Church. And I do mean, everything.

Herbert Armstrong (LEFT) and Joseph Tkach (RIGHT)

It helps if you look at this in terms of a relationship. It was as if your spouse, who spent 20 years of your marriage presenting exactly the way she was, in full belief of you, took you aside, and in ten minutes told you she was living a double life, was getting a sex change, had a girlfriend for all of those 20 years, had three children you did not know, and oh, by the way - went and did things all the time she told you she hated. It was a shell-shocking blast worthy of Krakatoa.

Now, imagine if this person did this in a cold, calloused, unfeeling, like it or leave it matter, suddenly, without preparation - and told you this is how it was, without even a real, heartfelt, believable apology.

This is the impact. It was like your pastor, your minister, your link to salvation, walked up to you, pulled out a pair of pliers, and yanked out your teeth. No sedation, no drug, no warning. And then said, now you need to learn to eat properly. Have fun with it.

This church violated my sacred trust. It was a relationship. Abusive as it was, it was still a relationship. The extent of the damage of that day could not be measured until many, many years later, undergoing intensive and extensive de-programming therapy.

What do you do when a church violates your sacred trust then? Denominationally, or individually - what can you do? Is there even a way forward? How does one even know how to think? Or how to ever trust again?

I'm not a psychologist. I'm not an expert at how this all works. All I can do is tell you what I was.

I was angry. I was confused. I did not know what to think. And when I investigated further, I became more shocked to discover the truth about not only the church I trusted, but every other factual piece of truth that crumbled every conception I had about the organization that made my life what it was. I felt betrayed. Depression, sadness, and deeper shock set in with every piece of evidence that proved to me that things weren't what I thought they were.

This violation of trust opened my mind to discovering things I had never seen before. I had never noticed the extent of the carnal and horrid nature of Herbert Armstrong. I had never really known the extent of Garner Ted's double life of debauchery. I had never realized how the Co-Worker letters were nothing but fear-laden sales letters, or how hundreds on hundreds of prophecies failed, or how many lies were told to the children of the church by all levels of leadership. I never knew about the massive "ambassador extravagence", or the deceptions involved with financing the master plan of the College on one hand, and getting money by telling the church the world was going to end and give, give, give as a final push on the other hand. I never saw the "coincidences" that were not coincidences at all that fit every puzzle piece together. I never understood the incongruity of the entire farce, until it hit me as a slap in the face of what the church I was involved in actually was - a business, under the pretense of a church.

Not only was my trust violated - but my every perception of what I had lived in thrust me into having to rewire every conception of what I believed was truth. I had to literally rewire, and rethink every thing that I held dear, and try to make sense of the world around me with new eyes, and with new vision. I felt like an alien, stripped of all sense of knowing and reality. This, in conjunction with many other life-issues I will not go into here - was simply a hell hole from the ass of a dragon.

How is it that I was able to accept? To move on? To learn to live?

First - I had to understand that I did not order the circumstances that defined my life. I was not at fault for the things that made my life what it was. I was caught up in something that was completely beyond my control and my abilities. Blaming myself, or wallowing in a pity party for the cards I was dealt, was useless. What was, is what was, and it is, what it is. Period. This came very clear to me after I nearly lost my life due to my medical conditions.

The ability to learn to think logically was paramount. A peaceful scene helps. 

Second - I had to accept the things that I could not change. The serenity prayer is very, very useful and true. God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Third - I needed help. This was the hardest part. I could not do this on my own. This was beyond me and my faculties to handle. So I had to bite the bullet - and get the de-programming help that I needed. My life depended on it. I had to learn how to handle the anxiety and the stress that the environment fueled, so my heart would have a better chance of avoiding a fatal relapse.

Fourth - I had to realize that the church I grew up in was composed of imperfect people. I had to understand what I always sang... "Put your trust not in mortals, for in them is no help." I had personal, absolute, irrefutable evidence of the involvement of Jesus in my life. Without Him, and the way He managed the way things happened as only a Superior Intelligence could, I guarantee you I would be dead right now, at this minute.

Most importantly, and finally. I had to learn to forgive.

Forgiving Herbert Armstrong is important to do. It's a work in progress. (Envoy)

The Worldwide Church of God was a church that violated my trust. It took everything away from me. But the Worldwide Church of God was composed of imperfect people running a worldly organization in worldly ways. The true Church of God is spiritual - and is composed of people who are known by their fruits, not by physical signs - but by the spiritual recognition of love for one another. It was vital that I learned that to move forward, I had to forgive each and every one of them.

Let's be honest. Have I done so? Completely? Totally? Do you expect me to say yes? I can't. I'm still working on it. But that's the honest, truthful answer. I'm not angry anymore - I'm right now in a process of rehabilitation. But I am trying. And I'm not going to lie when my heart is telling me that absolute forgiveness hasn't happened yet - totally and completely. But I understand that it is something that I am striving for, and with the help of God, I will be able to, someday, and hopefully soon, be able to say to Herbert, and to Joe, and all the others in my mind, yes, I absolutely and wholeheartedly forgive you. Because until I can imagine looking at Herbert Armstrong in my minds' eye and embracing him with a forgiving hug, instead of blasting him with words and forcing him to hear my side until I'm done - I don't think I am there yet.

Dealing with when a Church violates your Sacred Trust takes time. And patience. And effort. But it is a process that cannot be ignored, or swept under the rug. It is a process you must take. And it is a process you must not take alone. In the multitude of council there is wisdom. Embrace it. Swallow your pride, and let others work with you to move forward.

It's definitely and absolutely worth the effort.

Emotional Mind, Logical Mind - and Armstrongism's Impact

One of the tools that has been very helpful to me with the detoxification and deprogramming of Armstrongism's influence in my life has been the discovery of the spectrum of thought that people have between the two extremes of mindfulness - the Emotional Mind, which is FAR on the left, and the Logical Mind, which is FAR on the right. And no, I am not speaking politically here.

The Emotional mind, as I have learned, is a mind whose decisions and whose actions are influenced by emotion. To the degree of which depends on where you fit on the scale.

The Logical mind is a mind whose decisions and actions are influenced by how the mind determines the logic or rationality of the situation. Also, to the degree if which depends on where you fit on that scale.

People fall all over on this spectrum - depending on their circumstances. Some have a full-left emotional mind, which causes them to behave based solely on emotion. This can be very detrimental to sound reasoning, tantrums, and a huge variety of different emotional characteristics. Some have a full-right logical mind, which causes them to tune out any form of emotion, and make decisions based solely on how logical or reasonable, or rational a solution may be, without consideration of the emotional part, which seems rather useless and "illogical" to them. The "ideal" between the two to reach some degree of balance is, of course, a balanced position in the middle - where emotion and logic intertwine and create a healthy way of thinking - in a perfect world, anyway.

And now, we enter in Armstrongism.

The entire premise of Armstrongism was rooted in emotion. This may seem contradictory at first glance. After all, Armstrongism seemed to denounce and squash any kind of emotion with the intensity of a steel crusher in many cases - such as, when you feel inspiring music, squelch it - hold the inappropriate applause. Yet the emotion that they used to bring in the converts to their way of thinking was a very profound emotion - fear. This swung people, and quickly, to the emotional mindset (even the logical minded people.)

The decisions made then, when entering, and in armstrongism had the element of emotionalism involved - even when it did not seem like it was emotionalism. There was always thoughts like:

• Am I going to qualify? (Fear you will not, and end up destroyed.)
• Am I trying hard enough? (Fear you are not, end up a slacker, and end up destroyed.)
• Should I do what I'm told, even though I don't think it's right? (For fear of disobedience, and end up put out of the church and destroyed.)
• Did I just break a commandment? (For fear you've angered God, and end up destroyed.)
• Am I really trying hard enough for grace to cover me for my law breaking? (same story.)

The emotion that tipped the scale of most people from the logical to the emotional side was the emotion of fear. This is what made the doctrines of Herbert Armstrong thrive. And when you are tipped on the scale from the logical side to the emotional side - then you begin to succomb to the demands of the one who is instilling the fear in you.

Fear is not always logical. Fear is enhanced by believing the person or the thing making you fearful. For instance, look at the claims that Herbert Armstrong always made.

• I speak for Christ. I am an Apostle. I have divine authority. What I say goes. 
• I have the power to loose and to bind. My power is from God. 
• I have the only true gospel that has ever been preached in 1900 years. I am God's chosen vessel.
• Disobeying me and the ministers is the same as disobeying Christ. 
• If you aren't obeying the Government of God (me), you aren't really in the Church.

 These of course, are just a few points that were designed to program you to believe in the claims of his interpretations of his doctrines. But that was just the start. Now let's look at what he would call those who did not measure up to him (once the fear element was believed.)

• Slacker, coward, lukewarm, unconverted, slothful, rebellious, lazy, selfish, deceived, covetous, idolatrous (and many, many more.)

All of this played to the emotional side (even for the logically minded people). Once you were trapped in the fear - and then believed the negative statements for not doing as much as you should be doing (whether spiritually, financially, or physically), then you have tripped completely to the emotion-based mind, and are trapped in the "spell" of Armstrongism - tithe, pray, and obey - for fear you will anger the minister, or that you will anger God - to the detriment of the well being of you, your family, your friends, and everyone else you have known.

One might think they're being logical because of Herbert's "evidence". But when looking at Herbert's way of reasoning in his booklets, papers, and writings - it is riddled FULL of emotionalism throughout. He had catchphrases that he always used with his logic to demean, and beat down, and insult the intelligence and logical reasoning of those who would read his material. It doesn't take but a few paragraphs into his writings to read them, and see how often he talked down to his readers.

• "You may be surprised to know".
• "Do you?"
• "Now listen to GOD'S teaching."
• "This is what you should have done."
•  "LISTEN! Understand this."
• "Read it ALL"
• "NOTICE it!"

These subtle wordings dispelled your logical mind to give more measure to your emotional mind. Call it "trickery" if you want to - but it causes you to place weight emotionally without truly considering it logically. It's also a technique used by salespeople to create emotion to make you buy a product. Who, by the way, also use fear to enhance urgency. "You've got to buy this today, we might not have any left, and then you're completely out of luck. We won't have another sale like this. Don't miss out, because there's none less after this!" - well, that is, until tomorrow. "Oh, we got an unexpected shipment. But THIS is truly the last time! Act TODAY!"

So when it comes to the emotional mind vs. the logical mind in Armstrongism - how do we possibly begin to reason in balance? If the goal truly is balance.

What I've done, and what works for me, is to:

• Breathe, relax, and break down what's being said - factually. 
• Rule out the "what if's". "What if's" rarely become the real story. 
• Find out what the real truth of the matter is - not what you have been told it is, or think it is. 

In the case of armstrongism, there are logical explanations to their claims that have to be looked at, if we are to think logically.

• Factually - there has not been one prophecy they have uttered that has come true. 
• Factually - their claims of the World Tomorrow have not happened. 
• Factually - there are many ministers who have been verified as having unchristian fruits.

It would be a good idea to make a list of the facts that you have experienced - without the emotion, without the "hype", without anything but the honest truth of what you are experiencing. Then, to write down the FACTS of what impacts that your experiences have caused or done. This is logic-minded - without the fear or the emotional baggage that has been cast onto you through the emotional mind.

This is what has worked for me. It may not work for you exactly, and nothing I say should be construed as advice you should necessarily do - I'm not a professional, and anything I recommend is only what I have done, and has helped me - and you do at your own risk (I'm saying, this may not do a darn thing for you.)

Learning the logical mind, the emotional mind, and ridding yourself of the influence of FEAR is, without any doubt, one of the most important things that I have learned since undergoing de-programming from the toxic cultish influences of Armstrongism in my life.

May God grant you the healing and the ability to grow onward in blessing in your life.

Cult Recovery Lesson: I Have the Right to Make Mistakes and Not Have to Be Perfect

This is the third installment of a series on "Basic Rights" by the Blog Owner. 


Overcome! Don't Slack! Or It's the Lake of Fire for YOU!

From the time I was a toddler, just able to hear - these are the words I heard (perhaps, without understanding - but heard, nonetheless). When I was old enough to understand by hearing and by reading - the expectations, subconscious or blatant - were clear. The life I was to lead was very special, as a child of my parents called out of the world. A life of continual overcoming.








I am not saying it's wrong to overcome. "Overcoming" means to clear hurdles and change from ways that are bad for you - like addictions, trauma, depression, pride and greed, for example. It's what you do when you realize you are in a pattern, for whatever reason, that is causing you, or somebody else, negative impacts - that may be in your relationship as a husband or a wife, as a son or daughter, or a father or a mother. Overcoming can be a good thing in these examples.

Overcoming can also be a truly bad thing - if it's abused.

When you are forced to change your individuality - and told to overcome the basic person of who you are - then it's not overcoming. It's control. When you are forced to conform to a mold that is not who you are - then that's not overcoming. It's dictatorial command. When you are told to overcome every aspect of your life that has no relevance to anything spiritual or harmful - than that's not overcoming. That's unauthorized power. And all of it's a form of abuse.

Our expectations in the cult (in my experience - each person has a different story) were to overcome everything that made us individual and unique. Our hairstyles, dress, mannerisms, speech, and what we ate were strictly regulated - things we had to overcome. We had to overcome "worldly" friendships, the fear of tithing over a quarter of our income, and our basic common sense when a ministerial order simply was the stupidest thing you ever heard in your life - but because "it came from a minister of God", obedience was mandatory, and God would "take care of it" in His own time.

Our idea of overcoming was becoming perfect as God is perfect by being as close to as perfect as possible in obedience to the Law, which we interpreted as the expression of holy love - Law keeping. Therefore, when we fell short on our expectations, we fell short on our overcoming - and we risked "not qualifying", or "not making it". We had to expend tremendous energies to simply try our best, not slack, to try to become "good enough" to hopefully qualify to "make it", and somehow have worked hard enough that God would see our efforts and His grace would then grade on the curve and we'd be accepted in His sight.

This caused - for me at least - an intense fear of extreme failure, and a perfectionist nature that made me have an extreme phobia of wrong-doing, of any sort, no matter how minor or trivial. You may see this as extreme. And it is. That does not change it's reality. It is only through years of de-programming and understanding reality that I am beginning to realize, slowly, a realization that is like a ray of light. I'm not there yet in grasping this. But it's this realization that:

I Have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect. 

I do not have to accept condemnation on my shortcomings and my downfalls, or take them internally as I have on a lifelong basis. I do not have to accept the harsh criticisms of those who pridefully and arrogantly assert themselves as unqualified experts. More than this - I have had to learn, and am learning, that making mistakes is a part of life, and it is not going to disqualify me from any future reward - so long as I don't engage in harmful activities that go against the golden rule - "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."

When you grow up in an environment where you believe that you will be cut off from God for accidentally doing something illegal on the Sabbath one minute before sunset, or forgetting your offering on a Holy Day, or accidentally having a sip of water on the Day of Atonement - or leaving a crumb of bread in the sofa during the Days of Unleavened Bread. When you grow up being judged on your appearance, on your clothes - or you are condemned because you slipped and said "Darn" or "Fart" instead of stinker - (yes, I know - but it's what it was) - and your expectations were to be nothing short of the best role model of the Kingdom that you can be in life and in the Church - you don't believe you have the "right" to make mistakes or the "right" to not be perfect.

And a person never discovers the reality of who they are, individually, or who they can become or what their talents or abilities really are. They simply become a drone in a sea of drones, acting and behaving and seeing and hearing only in ways that make them a conformer, not an individual. It is better to be and live who you are in truth and reality then pretend you're someone you are not in a lie.

Yes, Jesus told us to overcome. But that did not counteract the right we have to learn, to grow, to make mistakes, and to accept our imperfections. The environment of the cult that I grew up in did not believe that. And the harm it is causing people stifled under their oppressive regimes cannot be underestimated.

Learning who I am as a person takes time and patience. I'm not there. But discovering my individuality and freeing myself from the mind control of the Cult Drones - that's freeing. It's one of the lessons I'm trying to grasp in my ongoing journey of recovery.


Basic rights adapted from The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Eugene Bourne (Oakland, CA, New Barbringer Publications, 1995) 

Cult Recovery Lesson: I have the Right to be Treated with Dignity and Respect

 This is the second installment of a series on "Basic Rights" by the Blog Owner.

Dignity and Respect. 

These two words seem like something that should be a "basic right", correct?

When you go to a place of worship for spiritual nourishment, you would think it is second nature to be treated with Dignity - and with respect - from those who purport to be your spiritual leaders, wouldn't you? Unfortunately - at least, from my experience, and from the reports of many others who grew up in my environment - this was not the case.

Dignity is defined as "the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect."

Respect is defined as "a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements."

As a member of the Cult that I grew up in, again, the Worldwide Church of God - I felt neither dignified, or respected.

As I mentioned in my previous post - we did have a duty of conforming. We also had a duty to pray for our leader, and to go to church, and to give our tithes and offerings. Any notion that a minister was bound to treat us with dignity and respect was entirely contingent on the condition that we adhere to the rules of the Church and are obedient to the rule of their authority over us. In short, dignity and respect were absolutely conditional on our obedience to every decision made by the minister in subjection to "the Government of God."

In order to conform us to "the Government" - our dignity was consistently degraded. Any "worth" of honor or respect was only contingent on how well we obeyed their commands.

There were articles written, and sent to the membership - that literally blasted us with every single thing we were doing wrong- regardless of how petty. From the way we cut our hair, to the way we washed our hair. From the clothes we bought, to the way we shook hands with another. From the words we used, to the way we sat. Everything we did was under constant and thorough critique. "Living up to the expectations" was a way of life - and part of our quest and journey to "overcoming" while "Recapturing True Values".

In summary - the way we were was not good enough. We were not entitled to dignity, nor were we entitled to respect the way we were. In the words of one of the leaders - unless we acknowledge how putrid we were (and he used about twelve other demeaning adjectives along with putrid), and abhorred ourselves - we were not fit to become members of the Church. This man set an example to those who trained below him to squelch any attempt of dignity and respect until they conform to the standards expected of them.

In a personal experience - I once asked a minister many years later why I was subject to the treatment that he gave me, personally - as a youth. The answer he gave me was that I was not meeting the standards that were expected of the youth by the denominational leaders of the Church - he was basically following orders. This answer told me everything I needed to know. That in the cult, dignity and respect are not human rights - but only earned by completing the objectives of mind control.

The notion that we have the RIGHT to be treated with dignity, and with respect, was a foreign concept at it's introduction. But it's true.

I have had to learn that I am a person, an individual, unique and different. I do not have to conform to any particular standards except for those I have made the personal decision to hold dear to - it is my decision, and between me, and my God. I have the right to be treated with dignity and with respect - and those who I encounter also have the exact same rights - to be treated with both dignity, and respect.

This is regardless of whether one is male, or female, or black, or white, or Christian, or atheist, or whatever they believe or however they act. Their choices in life do not give me the right to treat a person cruelly, or inhumanely, or as if they are worthless, or as if they are le then the person that they are. Their choices in life are between them and their higher power - and the responsibility of how I treat them shifts to me if I devoid them of dignity and respect.

It is not my job as a Christian to impose on them my standards, or my beliefs, or my opinions, and MOST of all - my judgment. I have learned the only job I have is to be the reflection of the standards that I claim to represent. The standards of dignity, and the standards of respect - two basic rights I was never believing that I had - but now know that I do.



Basic rights are adapted from The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Eugene Bourne (Oakland, CA: New Harbringer Publications, 1995)

Cult Recovery Lesson: We Have the Right to have our own Thoughts and Opinions.

This is the beginning of a series on "Basic Rights" - from a cult survivor. 

Healthy relationships are as much an important part of life between a church and it's congregant as a husband to a wife, a friend to a friend, a worker to a worker, and pretty much any social activity you can think of.

In the cult environment I was a part of for decades, the right to healthy relationships was thrown to the curb for the cult's "right" to your income, your mind, and your heart. There was no common sense to "healthy" relationships. The only relationships allowed were arranged relationships - only allowed within the confines of the cult, under the supervision of the ministry, and furthered only on the approval of the local leader. Any prospect of a "normal" relationship was immediately quenched - no person of "the world" could ever be "evenly yoked" with us culties.

According to "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbood" by Eugene Bourne (Oakland, CA: New Harbringer Publications, 1995), people have 26 basic rights that are a human right. They aren't questionable - they're what makes living abundantly possible. The "right" that I choose to focus on for this post is:

• The right to have my own thoughts and opinions. 

The cult that I was a part of, the Worldwide Church of God, did not agree with this. It's founder, Herbert W. Armstrong, did not agree with this either. He would often preach that everyone must be "thinking the same thing", and all of "one mind, and one body". Any attempt to voice any different thought or opinion would be immediately shut down by a vast network of interior member-spies who would report any attempts at personal opinion or "division" to Headquarters - who would in turn contact the local leader and subsequently "put them out" of the Church - ex-communication.

We were taught not to have our own thoughts, or our own opinions. Our standards, our behaviors, our actions were carefully and thoroughly regulated as if we were one vast collective being programmed by one leading person. This went so far as to inform us of not only what to eat - but how to eat it, how to prepare it, how to bake it, and so on and so forth. There was even an article that spent two paragraphs on if it was okay to drink milk or not.

It is not an exaggeration to state that it went far beyond just what we ate and did not eat. We lost our "rights" on our thoughts and opinions about every doctrine ever taught from the pulpit. According to the leadership of the Church, as outlined in several articles to the members of the church, those outside of the church were encouraged to listen to the mantra "Don't believe me, believe your Bible." However, once they were "in" the Church, and baptized as a member, that phrase was not intended for them. They were to believe every word of the minister as anointed and directed as if it was from Jesus Christ himself. Our right to self-evaluation, interpretaton, and opinion was dunked the moment we were accepted into the Church as a tithe-paying, and praying, and attending member.

The concept that we as humanity have "the right to our own thoughts and opinions" to me was a strange concept - an unusual concept. This flew in the face of every aspect of training and teaching that I ever listened to. My entire job as a member of the Church was to conform - to be accepted by meeting a certain and particular set of standards. My entire task was to listen - to absorb - to "overcome". Our definition of overcoming? Becoming more and more like the expectation of what we were intended to be. And in our training - believe it or not - that expectation was - I kid you not - to be God. And our example of who God was like was the leader of our cult - Herbert W. armstrong.

To have our own thoughts. This was a tough one - because the minute that you allowed your "own" thought to creep in, we were taught that this was not "our" thought, but a "Demonic" thought. Let me give you an example.

We believed in the cult that observing holidays like Easter and Christmas were pagan, evil, and of the dark side. If a thought was to creep in like "I really wish I could be with the family on Christmas this year", we would immediately think of this thought as an implanted thought from an evil spirit. Therefore - we would immediately squelch and silence our own thoughts because of our belief that it was an evil thought.

Another example: We were commanded to give up to 30% of our income to, or for, the uses and purposes of the Church. If we were to have a thought like "I really can't afford food this month, because we're paying the tithes", it would be immediately classified as a "bad thought" from the dark side, because it was a thought that was "intended to cause disobedience to God." The side effect of this?

Every thought of our own was considered demonic that disagreed with the thoughts that conformed with the teaching of the Church.

This mind-conditioning was a never-ending battle.

Whenever we began to think "Our Own Thoughts" - we would think that they were NOT "our" thoughts, but the thoughts from a bad entity. I do not believe it is an exaggeration to say that because of this mind-conditioning, many of us simply chose to "stop" thinking - and just let the minister "handle" the decision to avoid the constant interruptions from that darn evil spirit that dared have us think on our own.

It took a long time to realize a simple fact:

We have brains that are to be used. We have minds. We have the ability, and the right, to think - to make decisions - and the responsibility to do so for the sake of those we are always around and interact with. We do have the right to have our own thoughts and our own opinions. It is the only way to begin to grow, and mature, and become responsible for ourselves and our families.

If there's food that needs to be in the house to feed the family, then we have the right to make that decision - that food comes first to feed the family.

If there are clothes that need to be bought to clothe the family, then we have the right to make that decision - that clothes need to be purchased to clothe the family.

If there are bills that need to be paid - then we have the right to pay the bills and do the responsible thing - no matter what we are being told by those who wish to commandeer our income. 

The cult I grew up in, with wild abandon, removed responsibility and attempted to mold us into their image as our spiritual parents - stunting our emotional growth, and making us perpetual children, incapable of making our own decisions - at least for those of us who were all in on the cult mentality.

Let the shackles fall and the chains be broken!