Using Logic-Mindfulness to Help Heal from Emotional Abuse

Thinking Logically can Help Heal Wounds

If there's one thing that provokes deep emotion - it's the bully.

Unfortunately, bullying seems to start as soon as a person begins to integrate with society. And many times, the reason is very, very simple: The victim of the bully is somehow perceived as different.

Maybe the young person stands out because of what that individual is not. Perhaps that individual is uncoordinated, or un-athletic. Perhaps that individual has poor eyesight, or hearing. Perhaps that person has an impediment, or a disability. Regardless of the reason, the bully feels the need to use their appearance of superiority to enhance themselves and diminish the other person. It's emotional - regardless of the amount of negativity, it's rooted deeply in emotion.

Bullying is not confined to children, however. Bullying can ,and does, happen in colleges, at work, in homes, in public places - wherever there are people, there's bound to be a bully. And the end results are always the same: Discouragement, Retraction, Isolation, loss of confidence, and avoidance. And invariably, you begin to forget the good things you are, or simply not believe the good things you are,  and only concentrate on the bad things that you are, which leads to a very, very skewed perception of your reality that changes who you are, and eats at you little by little, like a slowly growing cancer.

I was a bully victim in my youth, be cause I was different - and by the very people that were supposed to be the ones you'd think you could trust not to be bullies. I'm talking about the kids of the Church.

Not that they did not have "good reason". My clothes were different, coming from a poor family. My athleticism was nearly non-existent, since I was in non-traditional education. My behavior was non-conformed, because of a great deal of time away from church. In short, I did not fit the mold. I did not "cut the cheese". I did not make the grade to get into the cliques of youthfulness, where acceptance and coolness are everything, and maturity and wisdom are literally non-existent. It's never a good feeling to be the target of any form of bullying.

What a bully says to you does not define you. It does not validate their beliefs. And more than anything, it does not determine who you are, or what you can or cannot accomplish. A bully runs on emotion, who has not learned yet the skills of being logic-minded. And because their analysis of "you" is not logical, it's not "logical" that their opinion of you is truth.

 Using the skills I have learned, the reality of what I went through in the Church with bullies is this:

I was raised and born in a cult environment. That's a fact.

I was not the only one messed up. That's a huge fact. A lot of problems were brought on by the doctrines themselves, and the result of buying into those doctrines and how it affected entire families.

Nearly everyone, in some degree or another, was as messed up as I was. Even the most liberal of the families. We all had our issues. We all had our problems. We all had our struggles. And we all had our own methods to deal with what we went through. Because we all were in the same authoritive, dictatorial way of life which rejected so much of what living is about, and separating ourselves from just about everybody except for those just like us - how could we be expected to not have difficulties? To think I was the only one who was different than the others just couldn't be the case. Once every one of us went into "the world" into school or into work, it didn't matter who we were. Each of us were the oddball. Each of us were the one kid who didn't keep Christmas, or Easter - or participate in any "worldly" thing, or were kept home from Friday night or Saturday activities. Each of us were the different one. Every one of us was the target. And when we all met together at church - the misplaced anger from their experiences was then targeted to the weakest of the church group. In short, we all went through it. This doesn't excuse them, or any bully. But it does help to understand the emotions that were hidden in all of us.

There are causes for every situation, and logical explanations for every question. And thinking back, using logical mindfulness, instead of emotion-driven butt-hurt, can lead to discoveries that pop out that emotion can be quick to consume. If we can get past the emotions that consumed us with the things that have hurt us so much in the past, and look at things with logical-mindfulness, the only effect can be realizations that will help you see things in a new perspective, that can only benefit with healing and recovery.

When you use logical mindfulness to those moments that brought you the most hurt, it can help a great deal to cope with those who haven't yet mastered the skill of the resource of logic-mindfulness, as you put yourself in their shoes, and realize that the root cause of their behavior isn't because you are who you are - it's because they have not accepted and do not like who they are, and using you as a target of their own insecurities.

The ever hurtful people I remember were such ornery, cantankerous kids in the youth group of my past are all grown up now, with children, and some with even grandchildren. There is truth to the phrase "this too, shall pass". To everything there is a season. And regardless of the paths that we have taken in life, nothing can change the way that it was. The only thing I can change is what i do with the memories I hold with me today, and the life that I have in the years to come. And using the tools of logic-mindfulness in the way I address the past, and the ability to change the future, there's progress, a little at a time.

Cult Recovery: I have the Right to be (as) Healthy (as Possible)

This is part four of a series on Basic Rights. 

This may not seem like it should be a Basic Right. It should be just a status-quo statement. It should not even have to be posted. In a world as blessed and prosperous as the one we live in - this honestly should not even be a question. With as many hospitals, access to prescriptions, medical professionals, and specialists, you would think that such a statement is simply a given. But it is not.

And it certainly was not in the environment that I came from. 

The right to be healthy is a new concept for me. Yes, it really is. Because in the environment that I grew up in, the cult of Armstrongism, those rights were denied.

Everyone in my collective past has a different experience. Some were very liberal and simply didn't care what the cult leaders thought (risking expulsion). Others, like my family, were very fundamentalist - and followed Armstrongism to the core of it's foundation - where every word was as if it came from God, and every practice was followed to the letter. Of which was the practice of medical treatment.

Doctors were shamed. Prescriptions were witchcraft. Going to hospitals was a lack of faith. Therefore, hospital visits in my childhood were non-existent. I should have gone when I had a serious viral infection as a toddler. I should have gone when I had every childhood illness you could think of. I should have gone to be vaccinated. I should have gone when I needed dental care. Should of, would've, could've. These things did not happen because of the practices of the Church.

I should have gone when I developed a persistent and troublesome cough at a very young age that got worse, and worse over time. As it turns out, because of a very pre-mature birth, I had immature lungs and a weak heart. Down the road, partly because of my failure to resolve these issues, this led to a nearly-fatal heart condition - which is now a part of chronic care in my life. There are other serious issues as well which I will not get into. Suffice it to say, the lack of care of these ailments in my life - that nearly cost me my life - were a direct result of the violation of my right to be as healthy as I can possibly be.

This is not to bemoan my individual past. This is a wake-up call to those who, for some reason, feel that God's healing for whatever reason does not happen in a hospital, or at a doctor's office, or with medical treatment, or with prescriptions. Everyone has the right - in fact, the duty, and the obligation - to medical care and treatment when and where it's available - regardless of cost or expense. Health Care should not be based on the status of a person, but solely on the premise of the notion and value that each and every life is important. Regardless of who you are, where you are, what you are, or any other factor - you have the right to live and to be healthy. No religion, no power, and no policy should ever take that away from you. 

Yet that is exactly what happened with thousands who came from my cult experience. Many, sadly, died. Many suffered excruciating pain and deaths needlessly. Many did not take prescriptions. Many with health conditions felt the obligation to fast on the Day of Atonement without care or concern for their ailments - because of fear of God's wrath and ministerial punishment. Many were talked down to, or talked out of, going to get medical help. Those who did were shamed into thinking they did not have enough faith. The practice was to simply call a minister, get prayed over, have a cloth put on their forehead anointed with oil - and then believe you are healed, and wait. And because of this, they stayed outside of the very place that could have been the healing they were looking for.

I now have doctors. I have medicines. I have people who know what they are doing and what path is best for me. It is a different world then what I used to have as my world. It's a difficult world. But I am alive - and if I had listened to the Church I grew up in, I would NOT be today. And this is everyone's right - to be able to prolong their lives for the benefit of their wives, their husbands, their kids, their pets - and themselves.

Yes. I have the right to care for my body as best I can. And so do you. And to anyone who has a religious mentor telling you otherwise?

Shut the door in their face, and get yourself some medical care. You will feel so much better about it - mentally and physically. And your FAMILY will thank you for it!

These rights have been adapted from The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Eugene Bourne (Oakland, CA, New Harbringer Publications, 1995)

A Split Second of Rejoicing, or Timeless Virtues

This morning, I happened on an episode of the Price Is Right.

The game was simple - 1,2,3 - simply pick the most expensive, and you win. The man was clearly very spiritual, and was consistently pointing upwards and thanking the Lord for being where he was - in a position to win. The prizes were a computer, an internet-fridge (really?), and a really cool motorcycle. The man picked the correct most expensive prize, the motorcycle, and won all three prizes. He shouted at the top of his lungs "Thank you JESUS!!", and proceeded to go to each prize and kiss each prize that he just won.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm really glad in this day in age someone gave Jesus glory on national TV. I also was heartened to see him willing to express what's become a minority viewpoint nationwide, on TV. I admire his love for his Lord. But I'm afraid I disagree with the context of the message he gave. And as I have repeatedly mentioned - in my personal opinion - context is so important.

There were many, nationwide, watching the Price Is Right - who are struggling daily with living. Many do not know where their next meal is coming from, or where the money is going to come from to pay their rent. They've done all they can do within their abilities - they are not being what many would accuse them of without knowledge or empathy. They go to bed at night and rise each morning with a level of insecurity about what one day to the next may bring. They may, or may not, claim a relationship with Jesus Christ. Their struggles are real - life has dealt them some seriously low cards.

While watching this episode, though happy to see this man win big - they see his praise to Jesus for his material blessings. And then, the thoughts start.

I thought about the material nature of the objects he was so passionate about winning.

He won a computer - that in ten years will be sorely outdated.

He won a refrigerator - whose internal computer and gadgets will burn out, need replacing - and will cost more money in the end.

He won a motorcycle - which, he'll have to insure, register, learn to drive - all at his expense.

Plus, he's going to have a five thousand dollar tax bill.

Material things come, and material things go. What is here one minute, is gone the next. What starts out so new and shiny has it's destiny in the dust of the earth. A man gains much in this world, but leaves with nothing - every time.

There are reasons why Jesus said to store up treasures in heaven - where rot won't destroy. Jesus knew the value of important things in life - the things which cannot be measured in monetary value. The things like mercy and patience. The things like self-control and temperance. The priceless attributes of love and joy. The rare jewel of meekness. And the invaluable gift of kindness. All of these things cannot be tarnished by rot, or purchased by mammon. These things go on with you - and become an essence of your spirit. These are the treasures that define a person - not the material pleasures that are here today, and gone tomorrow.

Yes, I am happy the man won what he won. I am happy he gave glory to God for his gifts. I enjoy seeing someone win, as much as anyone else. But the fact remains, that in 100 years - a short time - he'll have moved on from this life, the motorcycle won't work, the fridge will be broken, and the computer will be an ancient relic in some antique shop.

The emphasis of Christianity needs to focus on what cannot be seen - the fruits of the Spirit, which are eternal - then what can be seen, and will fade into dust like all of matter is destined to do.