The Church of God Language

First, the COG verbiage. Followed by what it actually meant. It's humor. But it rings true.

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In Conclusion....... Half an hour to go.
Bless this food....  There better not be any pork in there.
Israel........ Whatever Church of God you're attending. And only that one.
Minister........ Sheriff.
Co-Worker Letter..... Call For Money
Tabernacle...... Whatever Sports Arena was Rented, or Metal Warehouse. (Pre-1995.)
Tabernacle...... A Hotel or House. (Post-1995.)
Ghastly....... Approved expression of shock and awe. (Some still use this!)
Inculcate..... A Word everyone used to sound Educated.
Holy Day...... Church Service, Food, Relaxation, and token Bible Study and a Nap. And Nice Suit.
Sabbath..... Church Service, Food, Relaxation, and token Bible Study and a Nap. And an Okay Suit.
Y.O.U.....  Sports Club to keep the Youth in.
Y.E.S..... Propaganda for the little ones.
Cross.... Something never, ever to be seen, looked at, or talked about.
Stake.... Something more appropriate to say than Cross.
Christmas Tree.... Barricade it! Cover it! Pagan! AHH!!! Bah Humbug!
Charity.... Don't even think about it. Send the money to HQ.
Green Sticker..... The Mark of the Church to let you in the Parking Lot at the Convention.
Red Sticker.... The Mark of the Church for the handicapped to let you in the Parking Lot at the Convention.
Orange Sticker... The Mark of the Church you gave plenty of leeway on the roads going to the convention.
Applause... Something you never, ever did after Special music at Church.
Applause... Something you always did when HWA spoke or finished speaking.
Internal Applause... Something you did when Gerald Waterhouse stopped speaking.
Announcements..... Bathroom break.
Usher..... That guy who always counted.
Dance..... Teenage Torture.
FlibberFlobber...... HWA's Jowels while speaking.
Hiiiiiyaa!!!......HWA's hand movement when making a point.
Thunderclap!!... HWA's sudden high pitched yell without warning.
Beehive.... Raymond McNair's hairstyle ;)
Huddle.... Group of 5+ Brethren talking before of after services
The Back Row..... Hangout Place of Rebellious Teenagers
Feast Fling.... Every Act a Y.O.U. Member could get away with with another Y.O.U. Member
Phew!!.... The common expression when walking into a Hall on the Sabbath smelling the cologne.
Would You All Please.... DO IT.
A little snow out there.....  There's a blizzard.
A little rain is falling..... Flood and thunderstorms
Just a little chilly.... 45 below zero.
You can take your suit jacket off... 110 degrees or higher.
Atonement is almost over.... RESTAURANT!
Atonement is in an hour... STUFF YOURSELF!
Unleavened Bread is Coming.... Throw out your toaster.
Passover is coming..... I hope I am worthy I hope I am worthy I hope I am worthy...
Trumpets... How come I never hear trumpets on trumpets?
 Request.... Command
Grace..... What Kicks in If you Try Your Hardest but Fail
Law.... Trumps Grace, Every Time
Sunday Church.... Mark of the Devil
Ham..... Food of the Devil.
Pork.... Disgusting Rebellious Food
Catholic Church.... Church of the Devil
Protestant Church.... More Churches of the Devil
Worldly People.... Unsaved, Uncalled heathens
Lucille Ball.... The Lady who Burned the Carpet of Ambassador with a Cigarrette
Bob Hope.... Could stand on the stage of Ambassador when kids could not
Egret Fountain..... The Most Holy Fountain on Earth
Two Positions....  Marital Restrictions
Missing Dimension.... Code Word for Armstrongism's God
Basketball..... The Prime Sport of all Sports
Christmas.... Just a Day off Work
New Years... Just a Day off Work.
Halloween... Hide in the Closet and Turn out the Lights Day
St. Patricks Day... Wear ANYTHING BUT Green.
Valentine's Day.... Don't look at all the little hearts day
Easter.... Bunny and Egg Day to Avoid, Just another Day Off
Alcohol..... DRINK UP BUDDY
Track.... Separates the Men from the Boys
PG-13... Highest rating of movies you are allowed to watch.
R.... Movies you watch you don't tell anybody.
Petra.... The magical place for all members to be protected somehow.
Feedback... Sound you always hear from poorly trained sound guys
Sermonnette... History Lesson
Sermon..... Rambling Concoction of Scriptures and Points
Steeple..... Phallic
Bells..... Just below Phallic
Tall Trees and Round Bushes at Ambassador... How DARE you call it Phallic!
Makeup... Depends on theYear if it was attractive or whoreish.
Vegetarian Beans.... Potluck staple in every congregation
The Shift.... What people end up doing three hours into a Waterhouse message
The Handshake...... Masculine of Feminine Judgement
Anointing Cloth.... Way to keep Ministers from getting sick
Ministerial Visit... Oh No What Did I Do.
Offertory.... Classical Music during Offering
Special Music.... Classical Music between announcements and sermon
Closing Prayer.... Impromptu Sermonette
The Thumps.... The sound of briefcases and material being shuffled after closing prayer "Amen"
The Rusher... A Woman taking her crying kid to the Bathroom during the Sermon